8 Ways To Master The Art And Science Of Using A Public Toilet
You know what they say. When you gotta go, you gotta go.
‘Kapag wala nang tisyu, gumamit ng resibo’
… a wise man once said. Make sure you have something to wipe yourself with. Feeling like you really need to go somewhere away from the comforts of your own bathroom is bad enough, actually going and realizing you don’t have TP (or some water and a tabo) is a nightmare you don’t want to have in your waking life. The moral: be creative. If you find yourself in the loo without anything to wipe yourself with, the following will suffice: receipts, plastic wrapper, paper bag (which you get in plastic-free cities), hanky (please discard afterwards, ok?), real estate brochures and finally, socks. Yes, socks.
If you can hold it, try to dump in style
In order of priority: is there a hotel nearby? Use that bathroom. Then frolic around the lobby scrutinizing the nice flower centerpiece. If there’s no hotel, does the mall have a paid lounge? That’s your next recourse. Still none? Look for a coffee shop. Their bathrooms are usually clean. Pa-simple ka pa sa barista: “CR muna ako… (minutes later) ay I’ll be back ha. My friend can’t find this place.”
Use alcohol as a temporary gas mask
Really need to go after the next person leaves? Any alcohol or alcogel variant in your bag can serve another purpose. Splash a bit on your hands and dab it on your nose. The strong smell of alcohol will mitigate the bouquet from the previous person. Trust us, we’re experts.
Before laying your egg, make sure the nest is clean. You have no idea what’s been there. And if you want, you can also dab a bit of these things. They’re available in most supermarkets and in National Book Store. Remember, the most important thing is your health.
Learn new bathroom calisthenics; improvise with McGyver like technique
Most of us go with their bottoms on the seat while some need to crouch and squat. If you do, and unless you have one of those toilet platforms, you’re likely to do more wiping after doing your business. If you’re carrying a tablet, bag, or other personal effects and the cubicle doesn’t come with a tiny hanger, you can create one by removing your pants, inverting them to side B (so coins don’t fall out), and then tying the leg ends together to hang onto the door knob: tadah! Makeshift sling! If you prefer to keep your pants on, you can—and this is gross but practical—hang your small bag in between your legs on your undies. Yeah! Lifehacking FTW!
Don’t waste water to mask your farts
Using the tap (from the sink) to mask all the farting noises? PURE EVIL. If that water isn’t going to get anywhere near where all the fart noises are coming from, just shut the tap. You can help save the Earth while doing your business, try singing instead. You can also harmoniously accompany the farts of the person in the cubicle beside you. Or put on earphones. End of the day, no one cares.
Stake your claim on the throne
You’ve already come this far. No point trying to cut anything short. The guy waiting outside? Don’t mind him. This is your moment to let ‘er rip. There never was a policy to hurry up. The only policy in the bathroom is to finish well and finish completely (to avoid touching cloth). But yes, going back to the guy waiting outside? #8 is for him.
Save the day with SCIENCE!
Thanks to the basic principles of science, lighting a match inside a cubicle will mitigate the lingering bouquet faster because of the strong scent of phosphorus and oxygen being burned. Remember, the smell isn’t removed—it just gets masked in time for the next person to get comfy inside. You can also give him the Alcohol Gas Mask from #3 but that would be weird.