8 Reasons Why There Are No Serial Killers in the PH by Wincy Aquino Ong
I'll stop you before you can shoot me:
Okay, there was Filipino-American Andrew Phillip Cunanan. (Technically, he doesn't count since he stalked the streets of California.) Okay, there's the odd one here and there like Mark Dizon, the gadget-obsessed expat-killer of Angeles, or Dennis Garcia, the psycho-rapist of Rizal. And then there are those fictional night-stalkers who occasionally bob their head in local TV shows, movies and college short films from Ateneo.
But aside from the rare exceptions, all is sunny and splatter-free in this part of the Pacific. Here are eight reasons I have cooked, anthropological or otherwise.
Filipinos live with their parents
How can one turn into a homicidal maniac when they're thirty-plus years old and they still live with Nanay and Tatay? Yes, Dear Reader, pent-up sociopathic tendencies can't hold a candle to Mom's classic chicken tinola.
It's close to impossible to feel isolated in the philippines
Serial killers are often the products of a hermetic life in faraway towns, where days can go by without having a conversation with anyone except your stuffed bald eagle. Here in the Philippines, thanks to barangay radio and your seven to eight siblings, solitude is a luxury. Good luck with isolation, Ted Bundy Fans Club.
Filipinos enjoy chismis
To paraphrase the writer Jessica Zafra: 'Detective' is just a prettier word for chismoso. How can one orchestrate a secret string of murders when by Murder One, good ol' ManangTekla from next door already knows about all the women you've dated and all the skeletons in your closet?
There are many others ways to reach celebrity status
The primary motivation of most serial killers is attention; they just want their fifteen minutes of fame. In a country where there are reality searches and dance contests every afternoon and where almost everyone has at least been seen on Eat Bulaga!, who needs extreme measures?
It's a hot country
Cold weather makes sad bastards out of people who may eventually turn into mass murderers. Sunnier climes send out Vitamin D and make happy, little, brown elves.
It's a country big on religion
Filipinos who are at the end of their rope don't hack up people and box them Gwyneth-like. Instead they join Christian fellowships and get their kumbaya-yas out.
Psychological disorders practically don't exist here
In the Philippines, experts in Psychology don't get to wear slick suits and spend evenings in Arkham Asylum interviewing criminal geniuses. They're either working in Human Resources or Social Media Marketing in some office in Makati. 'Clinical depression' or 'anti-social behavior' are afflictions of the coño. The only shrink the average Filipino visits is named Dr. Tanduay.
It's more fun the philippines
The Filipino people are people who see swimming pools while other see floods, people who dance the Kendeng-Kendeng in the face of the apocalypse. We're the happiest elves in the world. There's no place for you here, Norman Bates.
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