This Week in Weird News:
Don’t Shove an Eel Up Your Ass
By Kevin Christian L. Santos
Hey gang! Fun fact: TANGINA ANG INIT. Walking outside is like letting the sun sear us with heat until we melt into a fleshy pile of meat on the asphalt. Ever notice how the summer heat makes our singit sweatier than normal? No matter what you wear, your singits turn into a virtual swamp of sour odors. Go ahead, give it a whiff. It’s like you can practically rub chicharon in there for some sour and tangy flavor fiesta. Weird right?
Speaking of weird, let’s take a look at some of the weird goings-on this week:
1. Man sticks 19-inch eel up his ass to cure his constipation
Over in China, a factory worker had a different solution for constipation. Laxatives? Nah. He grabbed a swamp eel and shoved it up his ass.
According to Guangdong Television, Liu was rushed to the hospital after complaining of stomach pains. Doctors were then surprised to see a swamp eel in his small intestines. The eel measured 19 inches long and weighed around 250g.
Apparently, Mr. Liu had gone to the hospital before his eel incident and was complaining of constipation. Doctors advised him to stay in the hospital for further treatment, but said nah, fuck this and decided to use an apparently ancient method of treatment by shoving an eel up his ass to cure his ailment.
How did he find the perfect eel? “Oh, this eel is perfect for my butthole, it’s the perfect size and diameter.” Did he just shove it up there or did he psyche himself up? More importantly, Y THO? We have so many questions.
2. This 82-year old is a DJ and is cooler than you
While some of your friends are perfectly content with a nice, quiet evening at home, 82-year old Sumiko Iwamuro would call you a “NERD LOL” and rather party. Otherwise known as DJ Sumirock, Iwamuro is lighting up the Tokyo club scene with her wildly eclectic mix of jazz, classical, and more styles infused into her brand of techno.
By day, Iwamuro makes dumplings for her Chinese restaurant in Tokyo. After her husband’s death, she took up DJ lessons and the rest is history. She now DJs once a month, and she hopes to break through the New York club scene.
3. “The Beaster Bunny” is the terrible Easter-themed horror movie you never knew you wanted
File this under “so bad, it’s bad.” “The Beaster Bunny” is the Easter-themed horror movie that keeps on giving. Because when you think of Easter, it’s not all about eggs and chocolate. It’s all about a damn ravenous bunny tearing innocent people limb from limb.
The synopsis reads “A giant bloodthirsty Easter bunny starts viciously killing the local townsfolk. When the Mayor refuses to act and the attacks grow more gruesome, the town finds its very survival in the hands of a wannabe actress and a crazy dog-catcher.” Riveting stuff.
But seriously, if you want a scary movie with rabbits, you can’t go wrong with the animated film Watership Down. Watching cute and cuddly bunnies meet their violent ends was seriously some traumatizing stuff.
4. Man denies having sex with motorbike, so stop asking him
For the uninformed, mechanophilia is an intense sexual attraction to machines. Unfortunately for Kevin Chapman, his unusual attraction may land him in jail.
Kevin Chapman stands accused of indecent exposure and attempted to do sexual maneuvers on a blue Suzuki motorbike. He also allegedly kicked and punched said bike. That motorbike must have been a pretty tough week. #justiceforbluebike
Chapman says he remembers dropping his pants, but doesn’t remember humping any motor vehicle. He says he was pushed into the vehicle while his pants were down BECAUSE THAT TOTALLY MAKES SENSE.
Chapman was said to have been drinking during the day of the incident. He stands trial this June.