It’s a truth universally acknowledged that when you tie the knot, you don’t just marry an individual, you marry their whole family. You gain a bunch of in-laws. And since family dynamics are complex, it might be a challenge to settle into your new family. That’s why it’s important to know ahead of time what you’re getting into. Or, if you’re already in the thick of it, recognize the wrongs in a relationship. In-laws are supposed to be a source of love and support, but we all know they can be toxic, too. If you suspect your in-laws are toxic but can’t determine why, we’re here to help you spot the signs.

They are unkind

Kindness is a basic human trait that toxic people don’t possess. If your in-laws aren’t kind to you and always make you feel uncomfortable, that might be a sign of trouble down the road. This usually stems from their desire to marry their kids to the perfect man or woman, and they might’ve decided you don’t tick all the boxes. But regardless if you’re perfect or not, no one deserves to be treated with anything less than basic kindness.

They’ve got no boundaries

Turning up unannounced? Saying jokes that are below the belt? Ignoring your requests? Toxic in-laws don’t know how to respect boundaries; they feel entitled to do anything to you, the addition to the family. Don’t tolerate this behavior of invading your personal space — stand firm in asserting your boundaries. Or else, you’re most likely going to endure getting pushed over for the rest of your life.

They’re competitive

Another big fat sign of toxic in-laws is that they exhibit competitive behavior. It could be undermining a family member’s achievements, casually throwing dismissive remarks, or making you feel you need to earn a spot in their family. Healthy families have members supporting each other no matter what.

They’re divisive

Everyone gossips, but when toxic in-laws do it, it’s sinister and creates divisions among family members. Sometimes, it’s even between you and your partner. Be wary of anyone who consistently speaks negatively about others. That’s how you know they might do the same to you behind your back. A way to fix this is to encourage open communication if toxic in-laws can do that.

They constantly criticize you

It could be anything — the way you run your household or raise your kids, the way you dress, or how you’re too focused on your career. If this erodes your self-esteem (as it’s bound to over time), remember that you don’t have to sit there and listen to everything. You can ignore them and walk away if it’s damaging to your mental health.

They’re controlling

Toxic in-laws have a hold on their children, a.k.a. your spouse, which makes it easier for them to boss their kids around. For example, they might tell their son to split up with you and take your kids because you seem like the kind of woman who can’t handle her finances well, even if that isn’t the truth. Your spouse might believe them since they would question how their “loveable” parents are wrong, and you might find yourself between a rock and a hard place. But as we said, open communication and the courage to walk away from toxic relationships might just be what you need.

They’re manipulative

Sowing discord is their specialty. Whether that’s between other family members or between you and your spouse. It’s all a game of pitting everyone against each other, and when you call them out for it, they pull the victim card. Be wary of folks who make you feel responsible for their emotions and actions — that just screams “red flag”.

They make you feel as if you’re not good enough

You’re always nervous around them, always worried about saying the wrong thing and creating the wrong impression. Toxic in-laws will make you feel as if their opinion of your life is the end-all and be-all of things.

We’re not saying if your in-laws are toxic, you should give the same energy back, that will backfire in the long run. Although it might be tempting to give them a taste of their own medicine, don’t rise to the bait. Deal with the situation while maintaining a certain level of respect for them. Establish your boundaries and make them crystal clear. Seek the help of your spouse and enlist their help in dealing with their parents. But if your spouse ends up siding with their toxic parents, you might want to weigh your options and ultimately choose what’s best for you and your kids.

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