As we roll into Pride Month, celebrations and all, it’s heartwarming to see how much progress has been made within the LGBTQ+ community. Of course, there’s still a lot of work to be done, but more people are finally embracing who they are without fear. When it comes to topics surrounding the queer experience, however, how do we approach these conversations thoughtfully? More importantly, what are some questions we should avoid asking LGBTQ+ people?

1. “Ano ang real name mo?” (for transgender individuals)

Transgender individuals get this question a lot, and while it’s not necessarily asked with malice, many aren’t comfortable sharing their birth names due to privacy concerns or past trauma they just want to leave behind. Calling a transgender person by their name before the transition is known as deadnaming, and it can be deeply invalidating. It’s best to leave this out of conversations unless they bring it up themselves.

2. “How do you have sex?”

Let’s keep this short and sweet: whatever people do in their bedrooms — whether they’re queer or not — is entirely none of your business.

3. “Why do you have to be so open about your sexuality? Hindi ka ba nahihiya?”

For years, the queer community has grappled with society’s unforgiving restrictions. They can’t wear this and that, act too soft, be masculine, or even be outspoken. Everyone should be able to live their truth authentically as long as they’re not intentionally hurting anybody.

4. “Nag-undergo ka na ba ng *surgery?*” (for transgender individuals)

Gender-affirming genital surgery or bottom surgery is a procedure that aligns a person’s physical body with their gender identity. Just like you wouldn’t ask a heterosexual person about their genitals, the same courtesy goes to transgender individuals. It’s an invasive question, and it’ll only make the person you’re asking uncomfortable.

5. “Hindi ka ba natatakot tumanda mag-isa?”

The overwhelming spotlight on tragic LGBTQ+ narratives is partly to blame for why people think queer love is a myth. Newsflash: it’s not! While the intention behind this question might be a genuine concern, it inadvertently implies a persisting bias that only conventional heterosexual relationships have a shot at happy endings. The truth is queer individuals know how to build supportive and loving relationships.

6. “Do you hate men?” (directed towards lesbians)

This tired stereotype that lesbians are lesbians out of spite towards men is absurd. It invalidates their sexual orientation and suggests there’s a so-called “default” orientation. Lesbians are attracted to women. End of story! Let’s stop with all these assumptions that it’s driven by anything else.

7. “Hindi ba phase lang ‘yan?

What if I told you some LGBTQ+ individuals have even prayed to be straight just to avoid the pain of rejection, both from their families and from themselves? Nobody wakes up one day and chooses to be queer, like pressing a button. A person’s sexual orientation and gender identity aren’t simply choices; they are intrinsic to who they are.

8. “Sino’ng babae/lalaki sa relationship n’yo?”

Take out the gender roles, and you’ll realize that queer relationships aren’t any different from heterosexual couples. Focusing too much on a queer couple’s preconceived notions of gender roles overlooks their personalities, preferences, and what makes them such a great couple. 

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