This Week in Weird News: Find the Dildo
May 5, 2017 • 8List
Hey gang! Good day to everyone who isn’t Tito Sotto. ASEAN and Labor Day just went by, giving us the sweet, sweet opportunity to experience a four-day work week for two consecutive weeks. Then we face our responsibilities again, anxieties and stress enveloping us as our souls get crushed at work and the overall pressure of life. Good times!
Also this week, Tito Sotto has reiterated once again that he’s a misogynist constantly suffering from diarrhea of the mouth. Gina Lopez got rejected on her appointment as secretary of the Department of Environment and Natural Resources. Know what’s weird? People still keep voting for said diarrhea of the mouth sufferer.
Speaking of weird, let’s take a look at the things that made us question our existence this week:
8. For the love of God, don’t walk barefoot in your gym
Via Giphy
On a diet? Good! Not on a diet? Well, tough shit. The following images might make you lose your appetite.
One man contracted a flesh-eating after walking barefoot in a gym.
(Seriously, it’s so disgusting we can’t show it here. But click if you must.)
Speaking to iHeartRadio, the unnamed man initially thought that he got a wart on his foot. He ignored it at first and proceeded with his training like normal. Soon these warts multiplied to the point where chunks of his foot were falling off. He eventually needed skin graft to heal his foot. He shared his story as a warning to the public.
Speaking to iHeartRadio, the man says “It started while I was training for my first ever half marathon. Over my lunch break, I would make a point to go to my local gym and run for a bit. I had never ran such a long distance before, so I wanted to make sure I was ready. Normally, I would make sure that I had all of the necessary supplies in my gym bag for after my run. There were a few occasions where I left out my flip flops that I would use when I showered, but not wanting to go back to work sweaty and smelly I made the decision to shower barefoot.
Within a fairly short amount of time, I noticed there was a spot on the bottom of my foot that began to itch. when I touched it, it was a bit harder that the rest of the flesh around it, but I didn’t think anything of it. I figured I had just stepped on something and it was my body’s response to the foreign object. I quickly found out that I had contracted a plantar wart on the bottom of my foot.”
The man still went on with his routine and ignored the wart, while using all sorts of remedies he researched online. He tried duct tape, banana peels, vinegar, and OTC acid treatments to no avail. It wasn’t until six months AFTER his marathon did he decide to seek help. He got emergency surgery and got a skin graft trial and is now recovering.
Wait. He waited SIX MONTHS? With all that blood and chunks falling out of his foot? No. Just no.
Meanwhile, wear a condom over your feet next time you’re in the gym. Get protected. You can’t be too careful.
7. New Earth-sized exoplanet has been discovered, but don’t go there
Scientists recently found a planet similar to Earth. They’re similar in size and orbit the same distance as their respective suns. The findings were documented in an Astrophysical Journal Letters study. The new planet, which is 13,000 light years from Earth, has been called OGLE-2016-BLG-1195Lb. Say that five times really, really fast.
However, NASA says the similarities end there. It turns out that the planet is one frozen ball of ice. Yossi Shvartzvald, of NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory, says the planet is the lowest-mass planet ever found through a process called microlensing, a process wherein distant planets are discovered by using background stars like flashlights. SCIENCE!
In the meantime, look for another planet to fly to when the Earth goes to shit.
6. Scientists successfully transplant second head on rat, where is your God now?
Via Vice
In bloodcurdling news, researchers in China were successfully able to transplant a head of a smaller rat to the back of a larger one, because two heads are more than one…or something like that. The findings were published in CNS Neuroscience and Therapeutics. In addition, the two-headed rat was able to live for 36 hours. So yay?
Via Inquirer
The procedure required three rats: the donor, the recipient, and the blood supply which, you guessed it, supplied blood to the transplanted head. What’s more, the second head was able to see and feel pain, proving that its neural functions still functioned even after being removed from its original body. Yeesh.
Via Vice
The study also stated that there was no significant damage due to blood loss was recorded during the whole procedure. Yay science?
In cuter news…
5. New Zealand police force has guinea pig mascot named Elliot, AND LOOK AT HIM
New Zealand police made quite the hire lately when they decided to utilize the services a Elliot, a guinea pig and LOOK AT HOW ADORABLE HE IS. HE’S EVEN WEARING A HAT.
Constable Elliot’s duty is to preach the importance of driving safety. He’s been a hit ever since, with the New Zealand Police’s post on Elliot garnering more than 2,000 shares as of writing.
New Zealand Police denies that they’ll be using Elliot for cavity searches because THANK GOD. They further add that the guinea pig is well taken care of, likes being pampered, and being cuddled on laps.
4. Serial shaver has been terrorizing cats because people are terrible
Via Vice
A town in the US has been gripped in terror by an alleged “serial shaver,” wherein said shaver has been abducting and shaving cats in their leg, belly, and groin areas and returning them otherwise unharmed to their owners.
Police in Waynesboro have said that at least seven cats have been victimized by the criminal groomer. Waynesboro residents have also banded together and posted signs around their neighbourhood and urged people to call the police if they see anything suspicious.
Whoever this shaver is, they need Jesus.
3. Alleged oldest man in the world dies at the age of 146
Via BBC
A man claiming to be the oldest man in the world, alleged to be 146 years old, has died in his village in Indonesia.
Papers show that Sodimedjo, also known as Mbah Ghoto (grandpa Ghoto), was born in 1870. Indonesia only started recording births after 1900, but officials told the BBC that Sodimedjo’s documents were valid.
He was a heavy smoker towards the end of his life and outlived his four wives, ten siblings, and five children.
Speaking to the BBC last year, Sodimedjo said his secret to long life was patience and “because I have people that love me looking after me”.
That said, it’s time to smoke like a chimney and find someone to enable your vices for a long life.
2. There’s an actual Instagram account dedicated to subtly hidden dildos because reasons
In possibly one of the reasons why the internet was invented, Instagram account Subtle Dildo asks sharp-eyed users to spot the carefully hidden dildos in their pictures. Kind of like an NSFW version of Where’s Waldo, except this time, you try to find a dick in these pictures. Where’s Dildo? If you will.
It’s obvious that there’s a lot of thought that goes in each of Subtle Dildo’s photos, what with the elaborate setting and caption that goes with each post.
This is it. This is the pinnacle of human invention.
Speaking of NSFW…
1. Father and son recreate old photo and GODDAMMIT
Via Lad Bible
We love a good throwback photo. We marvel and cringe at the stuff we used to wear and the embarrassing stuff you used to do. We also love to recreate some of those memories for the LOLs. However, this father and son duo took things to a new level.
Tyler Walker had the idea to recreate one of his childhood photos with his dad, when he was in a bathtub as a baby. You might need some bleach for your eyes after.
Via Giphy
On the upside, it looks like Tyler’s dad is wearing shorts, and they both look happy, so we should all be happy. Or something. Hey, if a dad’s down to recreate that photo, he must be cool as hell. Or weird.
Not weird enough? Dear lord, we are going to regret this, but show us what you got in the comments section.
