8 (Horrible) Workout Moves from the Worst Baby Exercise Video Ever

8 (Horrible) Workout Moves from the Worst Baby Exercise Video Ever
We here at the 8List believe that babies are awesome, even if they’re mostly lazy (when’s the last time any of them held down a job?).They’re also very delicate, what with them being fresh out of their mother’s womb and all that.

Russian “baby yoga guru” Lena Fokina clearly begs to differ, though, as she believes that babies need to be toughened up for their own good, because Russia.  You will see in the embedded video that yes, she is flipping a real live baby around like it were a rag doll, supposedly in an attempt to make the babies stronger. Obviously, all that crying and vomiting afterwards means the baby just needs to get used to it.

By watching this video [WARNING: Parents who have young children might want to skip watching this video altogether], you will learn 8 amazing (and by amazing, we mean horrible) ways to get a great workout for you and your baby at the same time!*

 

Baby yoga! Isn’t it amazing (that it’s not illegal)?

*If you ever try any of these moves on an actual baby, please do send us a photo or a video of you in action along with your name, address, and contact details, so we can, I dunno, call Bantay Bata to get you locked away or something.

Towel-Windup-8

Towel-Windup-8

Towel-Windup-8

Towel-Windup-8

This move is great for your arms, and gets the baby accustomed to the prelude most men do in showers before they flick the aforementioned towel at each other’s butts.

The-Somersault-7

The-Somersault-7

The-Somersault

The-Somersault

It’s all in the wrists, and doing this move shows the baby who’s boss because you just tossed him in the air to flip around and caught him just like. A. Boss. Perfect for babies named “Guile.” Exactly how many times did Lena practice this move to make sure she doesn’t drop the kid, like, ever?

The-Rocky-Balboa-6

The-Rocky-Balboa-6

The-Rocky-Balboa-6

The-Rocky-Balboa-6

Remember the part in the first Rocky film where Sylvester Stallone, as Rocky, punches meat? Well, don’t worry, Lena Fokina may be insane, but she’s not that insane to actually punch a baby—she just dangles him by his legs and lets him freely spin around much like a meat slab in a slaughterhouse, then proceeds to swing the kid around in a vertical 360-degree revolution. Or two. See? It’s nothing as bad as punching a baby! And then…

The-Pop-And-Twist-Off-5

The-Pop-And-Twist-Off-5

The-Pop-And-Twist-Off-5

The-Pop-And-Twist-Off-5

Lena then holds the baby upside down, and rests the baby’s head on one hand, while twisting the baby by the ankles on the other, simulating how you would normally try to twist off the lid of a bottle or something like that. I heard it’s great for your biceps, and it strengthens your kid’s neck muscles (assuming you don’t break the neck or twist the head off first).

Lena charges £255 per head (Bad choice of words! Bad! -Editor) to conduct this BS.

The-Plate-Juggler-4

The-Plate-Juggler-4

The-Plate-Juggler-4

The-Plate-Juggler-4

You can see her slip twice around 3:56 and 4:03 in the video (Why. Are. You. Watching.) and almost drop the baby twice, but fret not, Lena Fokina is nothing but a consummate professional! She barely catches the kid to try the move again! Because clearly, a baby not even strong enough to walk yet can totally handle being forced to stand with gravity pulling at him in all directions, right?

An amazing move to prove your dexterity. Juggling a plate suspended on a stick is a lost art, so why not rediscover it with your baby?

The-Cape-Wraparound-3

The-Cape-Wraparound-3

The-Cape-Wraparound-3

The-Cape-Wraparound-3

See, Superman? This is how you wear a cape, if capes were made of screaming, crying, traumatized for life babies.

The-Thor-Hammer-Swing-2

The-Thor-Hammer-Swing-2

The-Thor-Hammer-Swing-2

The-Thor-Hammer-Swing-2

Thor, eat your hammer out. This is the true OdinSON she is swinging like a cheap prop.

The-Holy-Shit-What-The-Fuck-Did-You-Just-Do-With-A-Live-Baby-How-Is-That-Even-Legal-Move-1

The-Holy-Shit-What-The-Fuck-Did-You-Just-Do-With-A-Live-Baby-How-Is-That-Even-Legal-Move-1

The-Holy-Shit-What-The-Fuck-Did-You-Just-Do-With-A-Live-Baby-How-Is-That-Even-Legal-Move-1

The-Holy-Shit-What-The-Fuck-Did-You-Just-Do-With-A-Live-Baby-How-Is-That-Even-Legal-Move-1

Wait. Maybe Lena’s just Fokina ‘round with us, right? No? She’s seriously doing this for a living? I don’t wanna live on this planet anymore!

 

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