Dear Dudes,

Well, this is awkward. Here I am, writing to an amorphous blob as if I’m trying to set myself apart from the hoi polloi of toxic masculinity and pretending to be above it all compared to the ones I’m writing to. Except I’m not. I need you to understand: no matter how much I try to be better, I’m far from perfect, and that’s why I feel your pain. When I see a woman roll her eyes and say with an exasperated tone, “Men,” I don’t applaud and go, “Hell, yeah, men are scum!” I feel bad for us because #NotAllMen, amirite?

So it makes sense you hate Barbie because, on the surface, it’s painting us men in a bad light, and that women need to be wary of us. The thing is…

8. How can a woman even tell whether or not they should worry about us until it’s too late?

See, guys, a lot of us probably are decent people. We’d never hurt a fly, let alone a woman. We wouldn’t cheat. We wouldn’t be the stereotypical slob who has to have our partners pick up after us the way our moms did (or still do, yikes). But there’s no way they would know whether we would or we wouldn’t until it’s too late.

Of course, a woman could do these things, too. But society still expects us to make the move, and when that happens, the vast majority of aggressiveness will inevitably come from us. And speaking of society….

7. That’s why patriarchy isn’t just a problem for women

We keep talking about the problems in society that affect men, and some of them are true: men are told to repress their feelings. Men have a higher incidence of going to prison whereas women might sometimes get off easy. Men absolutely have lower odds of winning custody of their kids in the event of a separation. But these issues are a product of the same male-dominated society that both marginalizes women and gives them the “advantage” of using their looks to get ahead.

These “advantages” and “disadvantages” for both men and women were set up by the patriarchy, so despite being male-dominated, this status quo hurts both men and women and fighting against it isn’t just for their benefit – it’s for ours, too.

6. And that’s what Barbie was going after — not men per se

Men are of course a part of the patriarchy, but like most white people who don’t fully understand racism, the problem really lies in the system. This means that yes, to us dudes, it seems unfair when women get certain perks we don’t have – don’t lie, I’ve heard what not a few of us have to say about giving lengthy maternal leaves, but all that does is level the playing field a bit. And there’s still a long way to go.

When we realize that we are not the enemy, but the system is, we understand that yes, we have to give up some of the privileges we have if we really want to do right — or we could double down and be douchebags about it and say “we’ve already lost so much!” And I get that’s why so many dudes are angry about Barbie — it’s emasculating you, and stripping you of your masculinity, and making it shameful to be a man!

5. But did Barbie really strip you of your masculinity and make it shameful to be a man?

You can completely ignore Barbie, my man! You can completely pretend the movie never happened and carry on the way you always have. And if your girlfriend dumps you because you ignored the lessons in the movie, then you can pretend to yourself that you dodged a bullet — if the bullet was accountability and some self-awareness, and having just a bit of that would absolutely wreck what makes you a man.

Because seriously, if a movie can destroy what makes you a man, maybe you weren’t as strong a dude as you thought you really were. And that’s actually okay!

4. That’s actually what Barbie wants you to understand — you too, are Kenough

We all want to be better, but at the same time, we don’t have to pretend to be something we aren’t. Not only are you likely not the alpha male you think you are, you probably already had an inkling that the damned thing doesn’t even actually exist. So who you are, as flawed as you are, should be Kenough for yourself. Do you want more? By all means, go for it!

That’s what Barbie is trying to say — you don’t have to pretend. Be true to yourself, and if part of that is going on a journey of self-actualization, then make that journey count. But don’t get me wrong. Even the movie itself made it very obvious that…

3. Barbie is still a corporate manifesto for selling us stuff

…. And yet it doesn’t nullify the validity of what it’s trying to say — that men and women deserve better than what the patriarchy is handing them. So yes, this lengthy toy commercial that just made a billion dollars may ultimately be a profit-driven effort, but maybe that just means there’s money to be had in holding up a mirror to society and saying “hey, this could be better.” Because really, it could be better. For them and for us.

2. So don’t feel attacked by a movie you probably didn’t even watch

Because there’s a good chance the “pundits” you listen to (and I don’t want to even name them because I don’t need to deal with their rabid fans) didn’t really watch it, either. Just as Barbie itself clearly had an agenda, so did the people who want to criticize it for being “woke,” whatever the hell that means. The message of Barbie couldn’t be clearer — men and women can do so much better than the patriarchy.

But you actually had to pay attention to the one-hour and 54-minute toy commercial to really understand this, which might be asking too much of you. Clearly, it was too much to ask of MJ Lastimosa, and she was actually the target market. But ultimately, my dudes…

1. Let other people enjoy things

No, seriously. How many movies out there are clearly made for men? Heck, how many TV shows, video games, comics, pretty much any sort of entertainment are made with men primarily in mind? So when something comes out that maybe isn’t to our taste, or heck, if Snow White isn’t white enough for us, maybe instead of making a big stink about it, we can all just say “eh, that’s not for me” and move on. Not everything has to be about us.

So watch Barbie. Or don’t. But whatever the case may be, don’t just mouth off about what you think it is until you’ve actually invested the time and effort into it. And that’s not just advice about the movie — that’s also advice for how we should be dealing with pretty much any other thing that we want to have an opinion on. Because there’s nothing more grating than a dude mouthing off about something he clearly knows nothing about.

And did I mention yet that I tend to use “dudes” in a unisex kind of way? Not that it changes much about this entire open letter, right? Right?