8 Types of NBA Fans
By Paolo Mariano
Ah, the NBA Finals. It’s where boys are separated from men, where the Xs and Os are thrown out, where heart trumps talent, and where Khloe Kardashian is at her most evil best. But these past few years, with the omniscient, omnipresent seer known as social media, the NBA Finals is also where different types of fans pop up like pimples. Or Draymond Green’s mouth whenever there’s a scrum.
The entire NBA Finals experience, however, would be a lot less entertaining without the assortment of fans, even though some are downright stupid and as grating as that public official whose name starts with the letter “M“ and ends with “ocha Uson.” But hey, as they say, it’s a lot of fans!
Hands down, this is the best type of NBA fan in the history of NBA fans. He/she gives insightful observations, witty quips, fascinating trivia, and most of all remains objective—regardless whether his/her team is playing or not. He/she also carefully analyses the statistics to back up his/her game observations, while also welcoming healthy, gluten-free, FDA-approved arguments. Sadly, this type of basketball fan is as common as a rainbow-colored unicorn riding the Loch Ness Monster. Or a Kyle Korver dunk.
Emphasis on the quotation marks. You all know this type. He/she only watches the NBA during the Finals because it’s the trending thing (more often than not, he/she doesn’t play basketball too). Yet he/she spouts “astute” observations that will put Hubie Brown and Dr. James Naismith to shame (Benjie Paras, not so much). In scientific terms, this type is also called basketballici poseuros ignoramusiluxi. Or Captain Obvious. What with hard-hitting analysis like “The team that plays good defense will win.”
As one philosopher said (Pusha T, I believe): Study the past if you would define the future. By that logic, this type of fan’s future is dreadfully undefined. Because no matter how good the current teams are playing, he/she will always disparage them compared to the glory days of yesteryears. “Nako, walang binatbat ‘yan sa Chicago Bulls dati!” “Kakainin lang ni Larry Bird si Kevin Durant!” Keep the history lessons to yourself, sirs/madams. We’re too busy admiring JaVale McGee’s greatness.
Have you ever encountered an NBA fan who silently cheers for his team? Imagine the exact opposite. This type of fan usually foams at the mouth with his obsession. In his/her mind, his/her team can’t do anything wrong. When they lose, they firmly believe the entire universe conspired to defeat them. His/her Facebook page is also littered with hashtag-filled posts about his/her team. Not exactly #SquadGoals. He/she also has a profile photo wearing his/her team’s shirt. Props for loyalty though.
Actually, bandwagoners ain’t too bad. At least, they maintain their interests in the NBA. More fans, more fun. But yeah, sometimes, they get a little annoying. Like a tinga you can’t get out of your teeth. They’re quite amusing though. Last year, they’re rooting for the Cleveland Cavaliers—okay, scratch that. Who are we kidding? They’ve always rooted for the Golden State Warriors! Basta, whoever has the best chance to win, the bandwagoners are aboard. Pretty much like David West.
The Conspiracy Theorist
In this flat Earth of ours, theories abound. In the NBA realm, fans turn into Charles Darwin, Stephen Hawking, and the cast of Big Bang Theory whenever the Finals roll around. Klay Thompson can’t shoot? He was poisoned by a bellboy in Cleveland. JR Smith can’t shoot? An old witch in Oakland cast a spell. Jordan Clarkson can’t shoot? That’s definitely his fault. After all, the NBA is just a diversionary tactic for Kim Jong-Un to invade the entire galaxy.
THIS IS HOW THIS TYPE OF BASKETBALL FAN SPEAKS!!! WHETHER IT ALSO APPLIES IN REAL LIFE, NO ONE KNOWS!!! HERE’S WHAT’S PRETTY SURE THOUGH: R.I.P., KEYBOARD. NO MATTER HOW MAGNIFICENT LEBRON JAMES OR STEPHEN CURRY PLAYS, THE HATERS WILL COME OUT OF THEIR CAVES!!! THEY’LL SPEW VITRIOL AND UNNECESSARY EXCLAMATION POINTS!!! FOR GOOD MEASURE, THEY’LL ALSO INCLUDE NON-SEQUITUR COMMENTS LIKE “LEBRON UNGGOY!!!” OR “CURRY BADING!!!” THEY DON’T APPRECIATE GREATENSS. OR CORRECT SPELLING. THEY ONLY APPRECIATE THE ALL-POWERFUL CAPS LOCK KEY.
The Culinary Connoisseur
Sit yo ass down, Gordon Ramsay! This type of NBA fan knows everything about the art of cooking. He/she should be awarded 6763031 Michelin stars with the way he/she views everything as cooking (dry-aged, perhaps?). “LUTOOOO P*TAAA!!! NILUTO NG REFEREE!!!” Every goddamn time. To him/her, the NBA is nothing but a money-grabbing organization. Players are paid, coaches are paid, and officials are paid. Yet strangely, he/she continues to watch. This type of fan is as pleasurable as raw chicken ass.
So, what type of fan are you? Tell us below!