4. On Driving

Another speculated rule that will be implemented is the 60kph driving speed limit. Not that it matters since you know, Carmageddon reigns supreme. But for the times that the roads are empty and you want to feel a rush by making trouble on the road, other outlets are available for all you speedsters.

SUGGESTION: Take it to the tracks and be the next Ricky Bobby, Mad Max Rockatansky, Speed Racer, or the Schumacher of Filipino race car drivers. Otherwise, you have to fight the urge of going fast, brotha, lest you face public shaming on Top Gear. Unless you become a UV Express driver with a knack for finding ways to get reckless regardless of any traffic situation and still get featured on Top Gear.

3. On Family Planning

It is also rumored that a three-child policy is in the works to help address the overflowing population and alleviate poverty. So…where do we go from here? What about ‘em raging hormones and unplanned pregnancies? Let’s see.

SUGGESTION: Mic check, one, two. Testicles, left, right. No, we will not recommend or suggest abortion. F that! If you can’t stop being horny rabbits, at least go through proper family planning methods as well as learn about contraception. Sex ed, people!

As a last resort to control your insatiable carnal thirst, you can ask Belo or your local butcher-slash-mantutuli to turn you into Varys the eunuch.

2. On Karaoke-ing

This one’s bloody, always have and always will be. NO KARAOKE-ING PAST 10PM. Yes, we get it—your life and culture are both facing death penalties here. So, what’s going to happen to all you Drunk Sinatras when you can’t harass your neighbor’s ear drums?

SUGGESTION: Take you vocal talents to town! By all means join a talent show or something. There are a ton of vocal search contests and who knows, you may be the next big star! Become the vocalist of a band, join the choir, be a blind singer-slash-beggar, or better yet, build your own digital KTV empire that all the other jukebox kings and queens can call home!

1. On Drugs

A cook, a heavy user, a “responsible” user, a pusher, a distributor, a dealer and a Breaking Bad/Narcos fanatic? Turn your addiction into something beautiful because ika nga ni President Digong, “I HATE DRRRRUGZ!” and you don’t want to die just yet, yeah?

SUGGESTION: For the cooks, why don’t you try the culinary industry? I’m sure there’s a master chef inside of you. There’s also a demand for chemists—maybe in that field you can also succeed! For the ones who love crystal or “bato,” there’s a career in landscaping! You can also become a maestro like Michaelangelo, sculpting stones like a boss. For those who love the green life and are into grass, please, get into innovative agriculture. Become a farmer or a gardener, be one with nature. For the ones on the business side, you can get into sales, marketing and public relations! Medical representatives and pharmacists are also good career choices.

Still won’t cave in? Just become an artist or something, make good use of your skillful knowledge about all the other dimensions you’ve been to!

So, if change is really coming, then adaptation is the key. Go on and continue to have fun, do your thing and indulge yourself. Just don’t let your pasaway ways be the reason why you pass away. Get it?

Know any other work arounds? Help a fellow pasaway out by sharing them in the comments section!

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