Ah, yes. Chinese New Year is upon us, and once again, Feng Shui expert Hanz Cua is making a killing all over the metro. How adorable.

That being said, there is a lot we could expect from the year of the Fire Cock Rooster, and it’s at this point that we realize that the Chinese zodiac is nothing like the regular Virgo-Aquarius zodiac we’ve come to know and roll our eyes at: the Chinese zodiac is insane, you guys!

It’s more than just 12 animals.

If the “fire” descriptor in “fire Rooster” were any indication, then you would quickly realize how insane the number of varieties of “year of the Rooster” happen to actually be, as every cycle of 60 years results in a different mix of element and yin or yang to the mix (although each animal only ever gets yin or yang, but not both), all thereby influencing your fortunes one way over the others.

It also accounts for hours

From 11:00PM to 1:59AM,  it is the time of the Rat. And so on, and so forth. So for a completely accurate reading of one’s destiny, you have to consider the Four Pillars: day, year, month, and hour of birth, and all these factors have to be all taken under consideration, and it gets mighty complicated mighty quick.

The fault in our stars

This should be very obvious, but the Chinese zodiac does not rely on constellations the same way the Western zodiac does. This makes for a wildly different plane of interpretation and fortunes, involving all sorts of aesthetics and design choices, which we’ve come to associate with Feng Shui.

Subtle differences

We call it the Chinese zodiac, but it is also used by the Koreans, the Vietnamese, the Thai, the Japanese, and that’s in East Asia alone. It is also practiced by Bulgarians, Turks, and others, and the animals change here and there. For example, instead of the year of the Goat, the Koreans celebrate the year of the Sheep.

It’s all about prosperity

When it comes to the concept of the New Year, the idea that it ushers in luck and prosperity is generally the main priority of any given person who adheres to it. Of course, the people who generally become most prosperous in these festivities? The Feng Shui masters, of course!

The year of the assassin

Feng Shui Expert Maritess Allen has predicted that 2017, being the year of the Fire Rooster, would be a year of killing.  This is mainly because the rooster is often associated with metallic implements, and so are guns. Lots of killing, you don’t say? Color us surprised!

The man of the hour

Speaking of Master Hanz Cua, here’s a man who has claimed to be psychic since he was a kid, and has honed his talents all over the globe, and is now generously offering his expertise to anyone who could afford it. What a swell idea, right? Well, it helps to realize that through it all, even the best masters of astrology can only guide us so far: we still have to make our own luck at some point.

Compatibility needs to go back to the drawing board

They say that Roosters and Dragons are meant to be close to each other, as their personality types complement each other very well.

Somebody ought to tell that to President Duterte, born in the year of the Rooster, and Vice President Robredo, born in the year of the Dragon. You guys are making Hanz Cua look bad! You wouldn’t want to do that now, would you?

Gong xi fa cai!