Stop denying it!

8. You own far too many buttondown shirts than you remember buying

7. Your friends text you more for contacts than they do to hang out

6. You get excited when you get dress socks for Christmas

5. You haven’t been out without your trusty mentholated oil or efficascent oil or white flower in a while and you know what “podiatrist” is

4. You don’t drink Red Horse anymore, and that one time you did, you got a three-day hangover

3. You scoff at “broke kids” who drink Red Horse in front of you

2. You fall asleep at parties all the time now

1. You hate millennials and Instagram, and millennials on Instagram