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End the Cycle: 8 Toxic Filipino Family Traits We Need to Put to Rest

End the Cycle: 8 Toxic Filipino Family Traits We Need to Put to Rest

Jul 21, 2022   •   Kyzia Maramara

Filipinos are known for plenty of beautiful things when it comes to character — we’re hospitable, we’re resilient, and we help each other out in times of trouble. But what about beyond that? What about when it comes to matters behind closed doors and families? It might be a hard pill to swallow, but we have a toxic Filipino family culture that needs to be discussed. Do any of these things on this list sound familiar?

 

Refusing to talk about problems

Families have a tendency of sweeping issues under a rug. They think that a simple smile or a shared meal after a misunderstanding is equivalent to talking things through or apologizing. But instead of this behavior being the “quick fix” they need, what it does is invalidate others’ feelings and magnify the wrong ways to handle conflict in relationships. Without proper communication, you’re sweeping too many things under the rug and all that dirt will inevitably explode. In order to heal properly from a misunderstanding, families have to talk it through and hear all sides.

 

Parents expecting their kids to “give back”

Children are not trust funds that parents can “cash in” whenever. Toxic parents pull the “utang na loob” card on their kids to guilt them into giving back. They demand portions of their children’s salaries or ask them to fund their luho. Often, toxic parents would list everything they did for their kids — fed them for years, took care of them, etc. — just to emphasize how much they are in their debt. Break this cycle. Children should have no obligation to their parents who willingly gave birth to them and raised them.

 

Forcing respect for an elder member of the family

Age, unfortunately, doesn’t always equate to wisdom. Just because someone is older doesn’t mean they’re always right. But Filipino families seem to think seniority is a free pass to impose their beliefs or hurt other members of the family. The younger ones are always expected to simply submit even when things are clearly wrong or they’ll be branded as disrespectful. Hard pill to swallow: The elderly can be wrong too.

 

Tolerating toxic members of the family

The sooner someone distances themselves from a toxic member of the family, the sooner they’ll heal from whatever trauma or stress they get from it. But that isn’t something the toxic Filipino family culture simply allows. Kids are expected to tolerate those who harm them — mentally, physically, verbally — because they’re related. The truth is, cutting off a toxic family member doesn’t make someone a bad person. If anything, it’s protecting them from further harm.

 

Comparing siblings/cousins/etc.

It’s not easy to grow up in a household with blatant favoritism. One child is favored for being smart, pretty, athletic, charming, etc., while the other who doesn’t have all those traits quietly sits in a corner. This toxic trait and unequal display of love from parents bring emotional damage to the unfavored sibling. They’ll grow up thinking they’re not enough, they need to please people more, they need to do better. Parents should understand that siblings are different people with different abilities and needs. Good parents will adjust their parenting for each child instead of holding each one to the same standard.

 

Crab mentality within families

Some Filipino families tend to mock or ridicule a family member who’s striving to better themselves. It could be laughing at an aspiring student’s dreams of starting a business and owning a house or even working abroad. They’ll hear endless “Hindi mo kaya yan” comments said in different ways until they’re eventually convinced that maybe their family is right. Supporting a family member’s dreams, whatever they may be, is a good start to a loving household.

 

Making demeaning comments

“Tumaba ka na!”

“Ang tanda tanda mo na, wala ka parin asawa?”

“Asan na mga apo ko?”

These kinds of comments breed insecurity and internalized hate. At a young age, kids will start thinking there’s something wrong with them if they’re called “fat.” Younger folks’ worries only worsen when questioned about why they remain single. These off-handed comments are common in toxic Filipino family culture and are brushed off as jokes or even a form of greeting at every reunion. But these obviously foster a toxic culture that needs to be addressed.

 

Maintaining an image

Filipino families always make an effort to look picture-perfect to the public. The kids are polite and well-mannered, and the parents are loving and perfect even though behind closed doors, they’re anything but. They attend church and act religious but stop thinking about virtues the minute they get home. The truth is, there is no perfect family. Maintaining a fake public image only teaches kids hypocrisy. Everyone makes mistakes, families don’t need to fake it.

Found things in this article you relate to one way or another? That’s okay. While these behaviors are toxic, there is a way out even when it seems it’s ingrained in your family. You can change. People can actively choose to be better and put an end to the cycle of toxicity and you can do it starting today.

 

What other toxic Filipino family culture do you think should stop? Share it with us in the comments!

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Kyzia spends most of her time capturing the world around her through photos, paragraphs, and playlists. She is constantly on the hunt for the perfect chocolate chip cookie, and a great paperback thriller to pair with it.

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