Hey weird team! Another week has come and gone, with said week leaving us in a glass case of emotion. First up was the Jollibee commercials, which most likely left us in a puddle of our own tears. Or maybe it was just raining on your face. In diarrhea of the mouth news, President Duterte called former president of Colombia César Gaviria an idiot after the latter said the former was repeating his mistakes in the so-called “drug war.” Sure, call him an idiot all you want, he’s just the guy who went toe-to-toe with Pablo Escobar and won. In more facepalm-worthy news, Congress is being heavily criticized for removing plunder under the death penalty bill. So it’s okay if poor people and so-called “addicts” die, but it’s a completely different story if some rich politician robs from the people. That is seriously some weird thinking. Maybe people in congress were dropped on their heads as infants?

Speaking of weird, here are just some of the strange happenings of the week. Some of which made us wish that some people wear a condom and never, ever breed. Stuff like:

DOH wants to block porn sites to prevent the spread of AIDS

DOH secretary Paulyn Ubial says she wants to block porn sites to prevent the spread of HIV-AIDS among the youth. Speaking to the Philippine Star, Ubial says she’s no longer pushing for the distribution of condoms in schools. She says she would push measures for the government to ensure that porn sites get blocked since it encourages promiscuous behavior among the youth.

Or maybe distribute condoms since it ACTUALLY prevents the spread of STDs? Or maybe have sex ed classes? You know, since there have been no studies nor cases of people getting AIDS from their television, phone or tablet (or wherever you get your fix).

Rare black-maned Ethiopian lion caught on video

National Geographic Explorer and ornithologist Çağan Şekercioğlu was able to capture video of a rare Ethiopian lion. They were feared to be extinct until a population of 50 lions were found just last year.

However, Oxford University’s Wildlife Conservation Research Unit (WildCRU) conservation biologist Hans Bauer said Şekercioğlu was not in any real danger. He says the light shining on the lion’s face probably blinded it, and it probably did not perceive the NatGeo Explorer as prey. “He just finds an annoying big stinking noisy machine [in] his way and wants to get past,” says Bauer.

Meanwhile, we’re sure we’ll be peeing ourselves if a damn LION WAS A FEW FEET AWAY.

Fish use “flashlights” in eyes to hunt in the dark

God knows what the hell is lurking in the vast darkness of our oceans, but the Anomalops katoptron fish may have a clue.

The reef-dwelling Splitfin flashlight fish have small organs beneath their eyes that have light-producing bacteria. They can turn this light on and off by blinking, sending Morse code-like signals in the sea. Mashable reports that little is still known with this particular bioluminescent fish.

The scientists published their findings in the journal PLOS One, the team said the fish would blink 90 times a minute in total darkness. When they detect potential prey, the fish would leave their lights on longer, around five times less with the absence of prey.

Meanwhile, we still think Jessie J’s “Flashlight” sounds a lot like “Fleshlight.”

There’s a Metal Gear Solid V: The Phantom Pain porn parody because nothing is sacred anymore

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Some porn parodies look like visible farts, poor excuses of their source material. Some are nightmare fuel like that damn SpongeBob parody. Not the Metal Gear Solid V: The Phantom Pain parody.

Creatively titled as “Metal Rear Solid: The Phantom Peen XXX Parody,” the skin flick is produced by Brazzers, also the same guys behind the FFXV porn parody. These guys went all out, check out those costumes and CG from the trailer above.

The real clincher here is that there are ACTUAL Codec scenes:

Now whenever we hear someone yell “Snake? Snaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaake!” isn’t because he died, but because of Snake’s snake. /snicker

Border officials find two tons of marijuana in fake limes

Over in Texas, CNN reports that US Customs and Border Protection officials seized a total of 3,947 pounds of weed stuffed inside limes in a truck. Officials say that the drugs have a total value of $789,467 or around Php 39,422,034.65.

This isn’t the first time someone stuffed drugs inside fake produce. Agents found more than 2,000 pounds of marijuana inside fake carrots just last year. The clincher? You can easily buy weed in legal states in the US. Clearly, whoever smuggled these things might have smoked themselves retarded.

Brothers find fish frozen eating another

Brothers Anton and Alex Babich made the discovery while ice fishing in Wawasee Lake in northern Indiana and posted their find on Facebook. Theories have been sprouting on Reddit on what exactly happened with the two creatures. User Shamoozle says “The pike tried to eat a bass that was too big and it died. They floated to the waters surface and froze.”

Exorcism video shows man beat and cut himself, and we won’t be able to sleep soon

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Over in South America, footage of a blood-soaked man forcing a crucifix down his throat has been making the rounds, in an apparent exorcism scene.

The video starts with priests circling around the man convulsing in a chair as drums play in the background. Blood is also coming out of the man’s mouth as he screams in tongues and his limbs twist at odd angles. He smashes a bottle on his head twice and the video ends with him shoving a crucifix down his throat as it pierces through his skin as the drum beats louder and faster. As the footage ends, it seems that the ritual was successful as he throws his hands in the air, allegedly cleansed of his evil spirits.

Whether this ritual is true or not, we’ll never know. Watch the distressing nightmare of a clip for yourself and be the judge. Meanwhile, we’re pretty sure that we won’t get any sleep soon and may need some diapers.

Speaking of nightmares…

Doctors pull live cockroach from woman’s skull and OH DEAR GOD NO

In India, a 42-year old woman went to a hospital and complained of having extreme pain in her head and having a “tingling, crawling” sensation. After a nasal endoscopy, doctors found a live cockroach lodged in her skull, between her eyes.

Speaking to the New Indian Times, ENT department head at the Stanley Medical College Hospital Dr M N Shankar says “This is the first such case I have seen in my three decades of practice.” Doctors say that the woman had her check-up at the right time since if the cockroach died, it may harm her brain. The woman, Selvi, says she was fast asleep when she felt an insect crawl inside her nose.

Remind us to sleep with our eyes open.

Which one caught your eye this week? Let us know below!