Newsflash: it’s full-on rainy monsoon season in the Philippines. Also, another rape joke. But hey, at least everyone gets the joke, right? But speaking of rain, IT’S RAINING WEIRDNESS Y’ALL!

Starting with…

Woman guilty of husband’s murder thanks to…parrot

In Michigan, a woman was found guilty of murdering her husband thanks to the couple’s pet parrot.

Glenna Duram shot her husband Martin in 2015 in full view of their pet, an African Grey parrot named Bud. She then tried to shoot herself in a failed suicide attempt.

The parrot is now owned by Martin’s ex-wife, Christina Keller. Keller says the parrot has been repeating the phrase “Don’t shoot.” Keller believes Bud was repeating a conversation during the night of the murder.

Better not keep any parrots as pets at home. The parrot will see things. Horrible things, and remind you of your failures. “Does this look infected?” “1 minute is all you got? Really?”

New study says the Tyrannosaurus Rex couldn’t actually run

The T-Rex is bar-none one of the most badass creatures that has ever walked this Earth. Never mind that it’s got tiny arms, they can actually maneuver 400 pounds. However, a new study shows that the T-Rex wasn’t a fast-moving dispenser of death. It wasn’t capable of running at all.

Researchers at the University of Manchester created a computer model of the beast designed to calculate the load of the T-Rex’s skeleton at various speeds. Researchers found that if the T-Rex was to run, its leg bones would have shattered from the heavy load.

William Sellers, professor at the University of Manchester’s School of Earth and Environmental Sciences and the leader of the study, told Buzzfeed that “top speed T. rex was capable of was about 20kmh. It had long legs, so it was a fast walker. But a healthy young human would absolutely have been able to outsprint it over short distances.” Sellers further adds that the T-Rex was more of an ambush predator.

So think of it the T-Rex as a speed-walking harbinger of doom.

“Hyena Whisperer” is a thing now

One of the things we learned from the Lion King is that you shouldn’t piss off hyenas. They have a bite force of 1,000 pounds per square inch (humans have an average of 150), that’s enough to crush bones. They also have that sinister “laugh,” probably laughing at how much a failure you are before they eat you.

One man decided screw all those red flags and became friends with them. Meet Abbas Yusuf, known as Hyena Man. He’s been feeding the hyenas roaming the Ethiopian town of Harar. He also learned the craft from his father, who has been feeding them for 45 years.

Speaking to Reuters, Abbas says “Hyenas have never attacked the people of Harar after my father started feeding them, unless you harm their babies.” He also says he’s thankful for continuing his father’s work and will pass on his duties to his children.

Abbas also says he lives with a baby hyena and he keeps it in his bedroom when he sleeps. He’s not at all worried that he’ll get his head bitten off.

Clearly, he’s got balls of steel and a lack of common sense.

China launches “husband storage pods” while their wives shop

While we’re living in 2017, China’s living in 3018. Case in point: the Global Harbour mall in China introduced “husband storage pods,” where wives can leave their man-children in while they go about shopping.

Inside each pod is a chair, a monitor, and gamepad where husbands can play 90s video games. It’s free too!

We can launch that version here, but with Everwing instead. Holy hell is that game an addictive waste of time.

Doctors pull 27 contact lenses from woman’s eye because Y THO

In seriously-why news, doctors pulled a total of 27 contact lenses from a woman’s eye. That’s 26 too many.

The woman in question was just seeing her doctor for routine cataract surgery. An anesthesiologist found a “bluish mass” in the 67-year old woman’s right eye, which turned out to be 27 contact lenses fused together. The funny thing was the woman didn’t complain of any irritation for HAVING 27 CONTACT LENSES FUSED TOGETHER IN HER EYE.

Speaking to Optometry Today, specialist trainee ophthalmologist Rupal Morjaria said “It was such a large mass…We were really surprised that the patient didn’t notice it because it would cause quite a lot of irritation while it was sitting there.” Morjaria also noted that the woman thought her slight discomfort was due to old age and dry eye.

Man with world’s largest testicles can now live a normal life thanks to surgery (NSFW)

Forence Owiti Opiyo was just 10 when he was diagnosed with a mystery condition that caused his genitals to grow 10 times the average size.

The Kenyan originally noticed the cyst in his genitals in 2006. He had surgery to remove it in 2007, but the problem only came back aggressively in the succeeding years. It got so huge that he eventually struggled to walk and had to leave school.

Unable to pay for another surgery, Forence stayed at home with his family and started to mend shoes as an attempt to make money.

Their neighbor Duncan Otieno took photos of Forence and posted them on Facebook as a call for help. He says “’After three days, we got a call from Our Lady of Mercy Ranguma and an ambulance picked him up from the village.”

Doctors at the Jaramogi Oginga Odinga Teaching and Referral Hospital say that the surgery was a success. Dr James Obondi, consultant surgeon, says “I believe Forence is going to enjoy his life like any other normal human being. In three months he will be just normal in his functions and be able to do everything he wants to do.”

Cheers to Forece living a normal life at last!

Would you like some Sperm Juice with your Roast Beef Pussy because we sure don’t

Ever the nexus for everything weird and awesome, Japan’s Alcatraz ER is a jail-meets-hospital (with a dash of hell) horror-themed restaurant in Shibuya.

Patrons are handcuffed and greeted with blood-stained walls as they are lead to their dingy “cells” by creepy psycho nurse waitresses. The food’s the real eye-popper here though. Their menu consists of a drink lovingly called “Sperm Juice,” “Roast Beef Pussy,” “Anus Play” (not going to try that one but if you’re down for that stuff, we won’t judge), “Sausage in the Shape of a Bowel,” and more food inspired by your kinkiest nightmares. On second thought, you might want to eat somewhere else. No duh, photos below are NSFW.

A post shared by ALCATRAZ.ER (@alcatraz.er) on May 13, 2016 at 2:50am PDT

There’s another jail-themed restaurant in Shibuya called The Lock-Up because apparently, there’s a minimum of two jail-themed restaurant per district.

R. Kelly is allegedly holding women against their will in an abusive cult

Buzzfeed published an explosive report on how singer R. Kelly is allegedly holding women against their will in an abusive cult. The women’s parents say that their daughters are forced into this “cult,” where the singer dictates their lives inside his rented properties.

Contact to the outside world is a big no-no, and Kelly videotapes his sexual encounters and even punishing the women for disobeying his rules. Kelly allegedly preys on women asking him for help for their music careers. It’s from here that the singer eventually takes control of every aspect of their life. A woman from one of Kelly’s inner circles even says that the girls are “manipulated and brainwashed.”

Kelly has since denied the allegations. But let’s not forget the history of accusations of the singer’s tendency to prey on young girls.

But whatever, he’s the guy who sang “Ignition,” right? Let’s all forgive and forget, just like what we do to our politicians.

What was the weirdest for you? Tell us below!