4. BAD-801

Call when: Your girlfriend has just started snooping around your phone

Got something on your phone you don’t want your girlfriend or significant other to see? Just describe your emergency situation to this hotline, and wait for a man in black to swoop in out of nowhere with a neuralizer. Grab your phone while your girl is disoriented, and act as if nothing happened.

3. 0917-1-ABS-PLS

Call when: You’re thirsty AF

In those times of desperation, dial this hotline and wait for a video connecting call from the likes of Alexander Skarsgård or Chris Evans whose rock hard abs, glorious V-cut and gun show  are 100% guaranteed  to satisfy your thirst!

2. 7734

Call when: You want to sleep in but you have an important appointment

When you can’t escape the warm, inviting embrace of your bed and you’re this close to calling in sick, dial this 24-Hour Psychic Hotline and listen to them predict your future in great, disturbing detail until you’re too upset to fall asleep again.

1. 69-666

Call when: The darn condom broke

You never have to panic over broken condoms and late pull-outs. This hotline will send over a package of morning after pills and better, industrial-strength condoms within the next hour. Oh, and while you’re waiting, the operator will conduct a long prayer for you both.

How badly do you need these imaginary hotlines to exist? Tell us all about it!

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