Weddings are magical. Two people vow to spend forever together, and for one shining moment, everything is about them. Unless, of course, you decide it’s your time to shine.

Not at all inspired by recent events involving a has-been celebrity who decided that his daughter’s wedding was a chance for him to flex his Main Character Syndrome, let’s talk about just a few of those things you could do to really make the couple regret ever inviting you.

8. Give out a tacky present

Especially when the couple makes it clear they are fine without receiving presents, there are actually moments where it’s better to not give a present at all than to give something absolutely cringe-worthy.

But what exactly constitutes “tacky?” Well, gag presents would count if you don’t read the room right and assume you’re closer to the newlyweds than you actually are, but personal merchandise? Stuff you sell featuring your name or branding and expect people to buy? That’s not a gift, that’s a cry for free advertising on your part.

7. Bring a plus-one (or two, or three) when you weren’t told you could

When you are invited to a wedding, it doesn’t matter if the pronoun “you” could mean singular or plural: the invitation makes it perfectly clear exactly who and how many people are invited. So yes, your presence is absolutely welcome, but your brother, even if that might make him the bride’s uncle, is not simply because he was never invited.

Wedding guest lists have limited numbers because, among other things, the people getting married pay hundreds, even thousands per head to just have you at their biggest day. Any additional person screws that delicate math up.

6. Assume you’re the official photographer

Nothing wrong with taking a few snaps during the wedding, of course. But when you are now literally getting in the way of the wedding’s actual official photographer, there’s going to be a problem.

5. Drink at the open bar like it’s some kind of a challenge

Weddings are supposed to be fun. But the minute you are passed-out drunk thanks to having wayyyyyyy too many shots, you’ve forgotten what the occasion should actually be about.

4. Share the details of the wedding without permission

Sure, they may not be eloping, but not every wedding is meant to be broadcast to the world. If a couple requests some privacy during the ceremony, maybe skip out on live-tweeting or giving a running commentary about what exactly went down during the festivities? It’s not your story to tell.

3. Wear a white dress, because what are rules?

If you’re a woman, upstaging the bride is the absolute worst thing you can do. So please. Don’t wear the white dress.

If you’re a man, well… any other time, we swear we won’t judge. But not today. So please. Don’t wear the white dress.

2. Complain about your role

What do you mean you’re not the best man? You and the groom were buds for all of two months during Grade 2! How dare he just invite you as a mere wedding guest, like some kind of peasant?

You’re the literal father of the bride, but the bride isn’t keen on having you give her away? How dare she?!? Who does she think she is, the star of the show? And on that note…

1. Making it all about you

What is a wedding but the moment where two blissful people declare their undying love to each other, and an opportunity for you to be the center of attention, right? So by all means, complain about how ungrateful they are! Or resolve your childhood trauma. Or win back your ex. Or even better, get engaged right when the newlyweds are having their first dance. Because how much better is their wedding going to be when you deign to share top billing with them?

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