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8 More Plausible Bribes Than $1000

Alternative payolas.

| February 22, 2017

8 More Plausible Bribes Than $1000

By Kel Fabie

SHAD

In a shocking reversal early this week, retired Davao police office Arthur Lascanas completely recanted his earlier testimony in October, this time declaring that the so-called Davao Death Squad does indeed exist, and admitting to being one of the hitmen. This makes two self-confessed murderers who are currently not in prison saying so, but apparently, we’d rather take the word of five Bilibid prisoners under government watch and key.

In what could only be described as laughable, Press Secretary and Steve Bannon lookalike contest winner Martin Andanar resorted to accusing the senate press of being offered up to $1,000 to cover the said press conference.


Makeup transformation?

Naturally, the senate media were not amused, and demanded an apology from Andanar. After all, if you were going to bribe the mainstream media to actually, y’know, do its job, you have to try harder than $1000. You have to try something like…

 A Model O2 Flamethrower from Alyas Robin Hood

Who wouldn’t want a piece of TV history? Give this to someone, and watch them marvel at the sheer heights Philippine television has reached thanks to “Alyas Robin Hood.”

Looks legit.

 

Versace

But it needs to be… on the floor.

No human being was designed to sing this song.

 

A videoke party

Speaking of Versace on the Floor, this is the easiest bribe to give any group of Filipinos.

Just make sure none of them sing “My Way.”

 

A seat in the Senate

With actors, boxers, and complete jokes in power there right now, it seems like anyone could get into the Senate, in the first place. May as well.

Not pictured: legislative knowhow.