8 New and Very Specific New Year’s Resolutions

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8 New and Very Specific New Year’s Resolutions

At last, a practical list.

| January 3, 2017

8 New and Very Specific New Year’s Resolutions

By Paolo Mariano


It’s that time of the year again! The time when people start eating salads on January 1 then devour an entire KFC chicken bucket by January 2. It’s the same old, hackneyed new year’s resolutions every year. Eating healthy, going to the gym, and avoiding alcohol are just a few included in the new year’s resolutions Hall of Fame. Why not make new ones? Instead of Auld Lang Syne, why not New Lang Syne?

Okay, sorry.

Stop playing “Closer”

Hearing Closer  by the Chainsmokers for the 27823rd time is as pleasurable as having a root canal. What’s up with the band’s name anyway? Are the members advocating puffing consecutive cigarettes? Unknown fact: Every time someone plays Closer,  one poor puppy dies. It’s a sonic curse. Like Charlie Puth’s “Marvin Gaye” in 2015. So be a hero and put Closer  closer to the trash bin. Discover new music this year! Attend local gigs instead of crying helplessly for Coldplay tickets.


Get rid of man buns


Arguably the worst fashion trend of 2016 (jogger pants were a close second), man buns should be forgotten. Like forgetting a, um, er, ah, good analogy. Sure, some celebrities look good with it. But not everyone can look like David Beckham or Leonardo DiCaprio. Wait, on second thought, guys with a man bun all look the same. They’re the 2016 version of Dao Ming Si wannabes. Also, don’t empower them by calling them fuccbois (it spells like a scientific name).


Don’t Facebook Live everything


While it’s an enjoyable option on Facebook, there’s no need to broadcast everything on Facebook Live. It’s like posting a status of every single thing you do. Only, you’re actually doing them! It’s much worse! Don’t Facebook Live while you’re simply walking to your car or drinking matcha tea. Facebook Live is a terrific and convenient tool for important events. Unless you consider popping pimples important. Someone should Facebook Live someone doing Facebook Live just to mess with viewers’ minds.


Stop Hating LeBron James and Stephen Curry


As Confucius once philosophized: Haters gon’ hate! But c’mon! How can you hate LeBron James and Stephen Curry? Just accept that they’re once-in-a-lifetime superstars and the faces of the NBA. If you’re an intelligent basketball fan, it’s impossible not to appreciate their greatness. But if you’d rather cheer for Wilmer Ong or Dudut Jaworski then by all means.