Super Life-Changing Tips
By Paolo Mariano
Congratulations to this year’s graduates! Job well done! You can now say goodbye to procrastination in school and say hello to procrastination at work. But the truth is, not every graduate will land a job. Fact: 97% of Filipinos are unemployed. Another fact: That previous fact isn’t a fact. A handful of graduates will end up as bums. Or as eloquently termed in Filipino: palamunin.
But don’t feel bummed about it. Bums are part of the natural order of things. They’re as valuable as the subtitles in Carlo J. Caparas’ movies (The Cory Quirino Kidnap: NBI Files). Here are valuable tips for all you reputable bums out there!
Being a bum means mayday in the money department. So why not open a simple business? With summer in full pawis-kili-kili mode, the best business idea is to sell ice candy. But to separate yourself from competitors, concoct new flavors: pesto, kare-kare with bagoong, overpriced coffee, and of course, the omnipresent salted egg. Open a stall in one of the 738384 food parks around. Make the money rain! You’ll give Henry Sy a run for his money in no time.
Make good use of your seemingly endless free time. Go to the nearest gym, near your house, and shave off the unwanted chemicals from all the junk food and instant pancit canton you’ve been devouring. Run on the treadmill for five minutes and that’s it! That’s better than zero exercise, right? Then just spend the rest of your gym time taking selfies. Drink all the free water while you’re at it. Always remember: hydrate. Even if you’re a lazy bum.
Learn a new sport
If going to the gym isn’t your cup of protein shake, you can exercise by learning a new sport. It’s also good for the body minus the obnoxious males flexing their biceps in the mirror. But don’t try the usual sports like basketball, boxing, or badminton. Try sepak-takraw or equestrian or curling. Or Jai Alai for that matter! If throwing a ball to a giant wall using a wicker basket isn’t your idea of a sport, then go to hell.
Write a diary
With all the exciting things you do daily, it’s only logical to write about them. Document your meaningful life for posterity. Write about how you slouched on the couch for six straight hours wearing nothing but a worn-out brief. Write about how you stared at the static on the TV before sleeping for the 27th time. Write about how two lizards had rough sex on your bedroom ceiling. Stories that truly tug at your heartstrings. Paulo Coehlo would be proud.