The Worst Blockbusters of 2017
By Mikhail Lecaros
Ok, we admit it. The main problem with lists like this is it’ll probably be obsolete by the time it gets published, and it doesn’t help that there are still four months left to the year. In the interest of keeping things fair, we’ll only consider major summer blockbusters that had months of hype behind them, only to ultimately let us down in the end.
On that note, we’ll be avoiding titles like The Emoji Movie and Monster Trucks because, honestly, nobody in their right minds expected those to be any good anyway.
Transformers: The Last Knight
An excruciating mix of unlikeable characters and visual garbage, this convoluted, overstuffed turkey of a sequel is the single most compelling argument for Michael Bay to never, ever, be allowed to make another Transformers movie.
Check out our review here, or watch the film if you hate yourself enough. Just don’t say we didn’t warn ya!
While it may have been the most-watched show on the planet at one point (seriously), Baywatch was never a work of art. But unlike fellow classic-show-turned-action-comedy-reboot 21 Jump Street, Baywatch 2017 fails because it only has three punchlines that are reshuffled ad nauseam: 1.) Citing incidents from the old show as impossibilities 2.) The Rock emasculating Zac Efron, and 3.) So. Many. Unfunny. Dick jokes.
Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales (aka Salazar’s Revenge)
A tired plot that essentially remakes the first film, a star mired in controversy (alcoholism, wife-beating, and rampant overspending will do that), and featuring nothing by way of novelty value, this fifth Pirates of the Caribbean film did little to prove it was anything more than a cynical exercise in franchise management. Oh, and Kiera Knightly was in it for all of forty seconds.
Check out our review here.
Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets
Speaking of classic European comics mangled beyond recognition, Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets took the space-set adventures of Valerian and Laureline and tried so hard to cram in fan-favorite moments, it forgot to include likable characters, much less a coherent story. Throw in a bizarre fifteen minutes where Rihanna essentially takes over the flick, and you have a sad, sad excuse for the most expensive non-American movie ever made, but the one Luc Besson’s (The Professional, The Fifth Element) been waiting to make since he was in primary school.