This Week in Weird News:
These People Need Jesus
By Kevin Christian L. Santos
Hey gang! It’s the long weekend! If you went to the province to kick back and relax or stayed home to avoid the crowd, newsflash: PEOPLE ARE STILL TERRIBLE. Might as well avoid them as much as you can. As further proof, people turned their weirdness all the way to 11 this week, of the holiest of weeks. These people need Jesus. People like:
1. There was an actual dead bat found in a pre-packaged salad
In taking all-natural diet to a whole new level, a couple in Florida made quite the discovery when they found an ACTUAL dead bat in their pre-packaged salad. The Center for Disease Control and Prevention says the bat and the couple themselves are currently being checked for rabies. The CDC also said that the bat was already in a decaying condition and were inconclusive on whether or not the bat did in fact have rabies. The CDC adds that the couple aren’t demonstrating any sign of the sickness and are currently in good health.
How does a dead bat get in your salad? Maybe someone at the factory thought, hmmm, this would be great for protein! You sir, need to quit your day job.
2. This girl wanted a poop-themed birthday party because why the hell not?
Quick, what’s the most badass birthday party you had when you were a kid? Marvel superheroes? Nice. A Jollibee birthday when it was raining Chickenjoy and spaghetti with hotdogs in it? Double nice. Toddler Audrey from Missouri had other, more epic plans for her birthday.
When her mom Rebecca asked her three-year old daughter what theme she wanted for her birthday, her answer was clear: POOP.
Speaking to the Huffington Post, Rebecca said Audrey was pretty firm with her crappy theme. “For months, every time we mentioned her party, Audrey requested ‘poop balloons and a poop cake.”
Rebecca and her husband eventually gave in and let Audrey “embrace her weird” and threw her a cool poop party. Guests played “pin the poop,” smashed a poop-shaped piñata filled with Hershey’s Kisses and Tootsie Rolls, and more. Audrey even dressed up in a poop costume.
Rebecca adds, “I feel like in this time of Facebook and Pinterest, we sometimes get caught up in trying to impress other adults. This party wasn’t for me, it was for Audrey. I love that we will look back at pictures, and it will represent her at 3 ― my funny and quirky little girl.”
What a fun party. Fun, yet shitty.
3. Man rides rollercoaster, gets hit in the neck by pigeon
This could happen to anyone.
A man was filmed having the time of his life aboard the Red Force roller coaster in the Ferrari Land theme park in Spain when tragedy struck. A pigeon tragically lost its life when it slammed right on the man’s neck.
The incident took the man on a roller coaster of emotions. First we see him ecstatic over the pulse-pounding ride he’s on. We see him wince in pain as the pigeon flies out of nowhere and charges at him right in the throat. We see him confused and horrified upon the realization that a DAMN PIGEON rammed him in the neck, as he wipes the pigeon’s blood off his face and explains to his bro seated next to him. The man, seemingly unharmed, goes back to having the time of his life as he waves his hands in the air, a futile attempt to forget the fragility of life. All we are is dust in the wind.
4. Guy eating a photo of Jason Segel everyday almost dies after eating photo of Jason Segel
Noah Maloney is on a noble mission. Not as noble as finding the cure for AIDS. Not as noble as ending world hunger. Noah’s mission is to eat a photo of Jason Segel everyday, until Segel eats a photo of him. Segel has yet to respond. Also, Maloney almost died in his quest.
Speaking to The Daily Dot, Maloney says he dipped a photo in some beer, turned into one big ball and tried to swallow it whole. The photo got lodged in his throat. “I tried to get it down with more beer but it was stuck and there was 15 seconds where I came to terms with the fact that that was how I would go… Jason Segel would have killed me. But then I threw up the ball of paper and beer onto my friend and ate it after so it’s all good.”
You’d think this would put an end to Maloney’s goal, but this is a man with a steely resolve. He’s still eating a photo of Segel each day, and we’re not sure this is going to end on a high note.