This Week in Weird News:
This Is Why Aliens Won’t Visit Us
By Kevin Christian L. Santos
Hey weird team! How’s it hanging? Life getting you down? Are you getting a hand mark on your forehead from the number of times you’ve facepalmed because this country is being run by morons? Blood in your stool? Well, can’t help you there. What we can do is take your mind off your worries and introduce more somewhat worrying things with the weird happenings this week. Why? Because we care.
Now let’s all dive in to the wild world of weird, starting with
1. French military is grooming eagles to destroy drones
After suffering from a string of jihadist attacks and an incident wherein a drone flew over the French presidential palace in Paris, France hatched up a plan for the sake of national security. France’s military is training eagles to annihilate drones.
The eagles were hatched on top of the remains of old drones. They had their food served on top of the old wreckage and as such, these eagles would hunt drones as a food source. Each time the eagles would catch a drone, they would be rewarded with food.
Just who are these eagles? They are Athos, Porthos, Aramis, and D’Artagnan, named after the protagonists of the Three Musketeers.
2. Yakuza boss gets botched dick surgery, orders nurse killed
The Tokyo Reporter reports that 70-year old boss of the Kudo-kai crime group Satoru Nomura ordered the killing of a nurse back in 2013. The reason? Botched penis enlargement surgery. Nakata ordered former member Yoshinobu Nakata to carry out the hit.
Nakata’s defense team states that he only accompanied the suspect who carried out the attack, but denies that he had an intent to kill. Nakata stabbed the nurse in her head and chest, but was able to escape with her life. If that showed no intent to kill, then we don’t know what is.
Nakata’s left with a bunch of options. He can get a bionic penis (but beware of the two week erection), or maybe he can just learn to love his body.
3. Japan zoo executes 57 monkeys carrying genes of “invasive alien species”
Japan’s Takagoyama Nature Zoo has executed 57 of its snow monkeys by lethal injection, due to the monkeys carrying genes of “invasive alien species.” The monkeys were found to have been crossbred with rhesus macaque monkeys.
Rhesus macaque monkeys are banned in Japan and are categorized as “invasive alien species.” Officials believe that the snow monkeys escaped from their enclosure and started breeding with rhesus macaque monkeys outside of the zoo. Speaking to the Japan Times, an official said the monkeys had to be killed to “protect the indigenous environment.” If only we can eliminate government officials who were crossbred with pieces of shit.
4. Guy eats photo of Jason Segel every day until Jason Segel eats a photo of him because reasons
Youtuber/man with too much time on his hands Noah Maloney has been eating photos of actor Jason Segel every day until the actor eats a photo of Maloney. His first video has already garnered more than 500,000 views as of this writing.
— Noah Maloney (@zestynoah) February 16, 2017
We don’t know how long it’s going to take for Segel to eat one of Maloney’s photos or even care about his stunt, but all that ink and paper won’t do wonders to one’s digestive tract.