This Week in Weird News:
Fried Chicken and Skin Grafts
By Kevin Christian L. Santos
Hey gang! It’s been a pretty heavy week, because newsflash: terrorists are assholes. And we’ll be damned if we give in to these hateful, fear-mongering, useless sacks of horse manure.
So no, we’re not going to further give these pathetic excuses for human being attention to their little agenda. They’re not even members of ISIS, they’re ISIS wannabes. Like, “notice me senpai ISIS”-wannabes.
What we’re going to do instead is put a spotlight on something else. Something cooler, something possibly gross, and things that will definitely take your mind off the harsh times we’re living in. Let’s take our protein pills, put our helmets on and take a look at this week’s weird, WTF occurrences.
But seriously, fuck ISIS and fuck terrorists.
Get ‘em Linda!
1. Heart-broken penguin falls in love with anime cut-out and it’s too pure for this world
— 東武動物公園【公式】リュウくん (@tobuzoo7) May 16, 2017
Over in Japan (of course), a Humboldt penguin in Tobu Zoo has apparently fallen in love with a cardboard cut-out of an anime character and we can’t even.
The penguin, cutely named Grape, fell in love with the character Hululu from Kemono and Friends which was placed in the penguin enclosure.
Speaking to Buzzfeed, Tobu Zoo staff said Grape was initially paired with female penguin Midori around 10 years ago. However, Midori left Grape for a much younger penguin, because Midori is an ice-cold bitch. These hoes ain’t loyal. Since being dumped, Grape has isolated himself further and further from the group of penguins he’s with.
Staff also said that Grape’s behavior shows that he’s definitely fond of the anime cut-out. Grape was even able to get a photo with Ikuko Chikuta, the voice actress for Hululu!
Let’s hope that Grape gets the happy ending he deserves. Also, Japan is such a weird place.
2. Old Nokia phones are now being used as sex toys because why not
Feeling lonely? If you have any of your old Nokia phones lying around, you don’t need to worry.
A survey by Agents of Ishq, a multi-media project about sex, love and desire in India, showed that old Nokia phones made a prominent appearance in a survey question on what was the weirdest thing women used to masturbate.
“The old Nokia vibrating phone made several appearances on this survey,” wrote Agents of Ishq. “We have no idea why that company is not the market leader after this,” they added.
Sound weird? Keep in mind that some vibrators aren’t readily available in some countries. This just shows that anything can be a vibrator if you’re brave enough.
3. This fat monkey named “Uncle Fat” is all of us
Monkey, nicknamed Uncle Fatty ( «Fat Uncle”), who lives not far from Bangkok market, will be planted on a rigid diet. pic.twitter.com/twvwCefBKc
— rajiv (@rajbindas86) May 3, 2017
Over in Thailand, a monkey named “Uncle Fat” for obvious reasons, gained three times its body weight by eating junk food left behind by tourists and is now being forced into a rigid diet.
Uncle Fat now weighs 60 pounds and is currently undergoing a diet “limited to 400 grams worth of lean protein, fruits and vegetables twice a day,” said Supakarn Kaewchot, the veterinarian in charge of Uncle’s diet. Kaewchot further adds that Uncle Fat is in high risk of heart disease and diabetes.
Getting Uncle Fat to start his diet was no easy task. Kaewchot said that “He was the leader of his pack, and when I tried to go in, I had to fight off a flock of them with sticks.”
But seriously, Uncle Fat is us when we need to go on a diet:
— Lalli (@13Lalli) May 19, 2017
4. Homing pigeon found carrying close to 200 ecstasy pills on its back
Police catch a pigeon with 200 ecstasy pills hidden in a little backpack pic.twitter.com/vSB9eYtd84
— Cass Lowe (@CassLowe) May 24, 2017
Authorities in Kuwait are currently tracking the origins of a pigeon after it was found carrying 170 ecstasy pills in its backpack.
Officials said that the homing pigeon came from Iraq and was caught when the bird decided to take a break above a building near the customs’ department.
Yes, a pigeon wearing a backpack while also acting as a drug trafficker sounds cute and horrifying at the same time.