It’s amazing how business-minded people are able to capitalize on society’s “needs” and create very real jobs for very real people to do.

Jobs that otherwise would have been unnecessary if society wasn’t so lazy, spoon-fed, and obsessed with instant gratification.

Yup, humanity is doomed.

Jowa for Rent

Just over a week ago, an ad for a new mobile app called “Pangga” (a Visayan term of endearment) went viral on Facebook for offering a companionship service that lets anyone rent a boyfriend or girlfriend for social events. It’s much different from the dating apps we know and use because any sexual interaction or physical intimacy is off limits. Basically, it’s only goal is to help you look good on social media, or to get your annoying tita to finally stop asking you if you about your love life.

Cuddle Buddy

And then there’s a service perfect for those lonely Friday nights when you’re alone at home while all your friends are either partying the night away or having nice dates with their significant others, and for those rainy “cuddle weather” afternoons. Because these days there’s nothing nicer than to be listened to and held by a complete stranger without it leading to sex.

Planetary Protection Officer

I don’t know about you, but I think NASA knows something we mere humans don’t. In fact, they’re probably harboring tons of secrets about the universe and alien lifeforms that they refuse to make public just to control an impending frenzy.

It hardly eases our nerves though that they suddenly opened a job for a Planetary Protection Officer, even if the job entails having to “help defend Earth from alien contamination” and vice versa cause it’s pretty clear that it’s NASA’s way of saying the planet’s completely fucked.

Pick-Up-Artist Instructor

Apparently, guys are so inept in approaching women at social events these days (we blame Tinder) that it’s become necessary to organize “Pick-Up-Artist Bootcamps” to help them get laid. But hey, effort reaps merit, I guess.

Professional Apologizer

Oh, thank god, we don’t ever have to vocally admit we were wrong ever again.

Professional Sleeper

Why stay awake to witness the world burn more and more each day when you can just sleep for the next 20 years?

Narabiya

“Narabiya” is Japanese for “stand-in-liners” which refer to those who are paid to stand in long queues for however long you need them. No need to waste your day away lining up for concert tickets or to get first dibs on the latest gadget! Patience is an old-school virtue, anyway.

Troll

Yes, we live in a time when people are hired to coop themselves up in a room and disrupt educational discourse by posting otherwise unintelligent, inflammatory and off-topic comments using multiple fake accounts just to rile people up.

Not only that — we live in a time when these people are paid a huge sum just to do so. I’d say it sounds like a dream job, but I have a brain and principles.

Did we miss anything? Share with us your thoughts below!