8 Alternate Career Paths

for Mocha

to Appease Everyone

By Mario Dre

Moments from Volleyfriends UAAP Volleyball Kick Off SHAD

By now, most of us should realize that ASEC Mocha Uson is functionally the Kris Aquino of this administration: everyone’s favorite target, and a gift that keeps on giving.

Having said that, it should come as no surprise why we just had to write about her again: have you even seen #utusanangboss on Twitter lately? To cut a long story short, Mocha made a series of ludicrous requests from her own boss for a whole load of nothing. In the end, as she keeps attacking the mainstream media, she loses sight of the fact that the fourth estate is enshrined in the constitution (freedom of the press), in addition to the freedom (of speech) everyone else is already entitled to.

The hashtag #firemocha keeps getting traction every single time these things happen, but let’s face it: why would you want to kill the goose that’s laying the Mocha eggs? If they end up firing her because of her latest blunder, we here at the 8List are first in line to suggest new lines of work within the government for her, so that her talents would not merely go to waste.

8. ASec for DFA

If there’s one place where half of Mocha’s arguments (Specifically, the one insinuating the other side is paid by the Yellows) completely fall apart, it’s in the international scene where the Yellows can’t even afford to bribe the press there.

Why She’s A Fit: Working under Alan Peter Cayetano would change one of them forever.

Why She’s Not A Fit: Diplomacy? Mocha? Ha!


7. Office of the Vice President

Have her be by Leni Robredo’s side, with a no-firing clause. Let’s see which of them would end up strangling the other first.

Why She’s A Fit: If she ever wanted to keep an eye on the VP, this is her perfect chance.

Why She’s Not A Fit: That part where one of them might end up strangling the other might be a factor.


6. Novelist

With all the fiction she’s been writing, Mocha Uson may very well be the second coming of J.K. Rowling – or E.L. James. Either way, if she left governance, the world of fiction would be more than ready to take her on.

Why She’s A Fit: She’s at least a better writer than Dan Brown, as low a bar as that is.

Why She’s Not A Fit: She quotes fiction more than she writes it herself, based on her “blog.”


5. Faith Healer

That much faith in our current administration (as opposed to the healthy skepticism all of us have possessed since we realized nobody’s perfect) should not go unused.

Why She’s A Fit: She can heal anything just by holding it, then kissing it!

Why She’s Not A Fit: … except hemorrhoids. We hope.

4. WAZE Navigation Voice

Imagine having Mocha give you traffic instructions. Go ahead.

Why She’s A Fit: “Kumanan ka sa Tomas Morato. Mamayang gabi, diyan sa may Casino, may show pala kami.”

Why She’s Not A Fit: “EDSA na naman? Wala naman tayo napala diyan, eh! Liko ka na lang sa Ortigas.”


3. Games and Gadgets Sales

The perfect place to work for someone who owns a Facebook page and mistakes it for a “blog:” a shop that sells neither games nor gadgets, except cellphone accessories.

Why She’s A Fit: They’re both the epitome of false advertising.

Why She’s Not A Fit: The average Games and Gadgets Saleslady actually works hard.


2. Orphanage Matron

Many people insist that Mocha has a kind heart. This seems the most appropriate place for kindness to be showered.

Why She’s A Fit: There is so much immaturity, entitlement, and xenophobia here.

Why She’s Not A Fit: Unfortunately, all that immaturity, entitlement, and xenophobia were specifically brought in by her.


1. Lexicographer

Yes. Let’s have Mocha write dictionaries.

Why She’s A Fit: I have the right against self-discri-ano.. against self-incrimination. Pasensya na.

Why She’s Not A Fit: Let’s see how she plans to define “social media,” “press corps,” and “assistant secretary.” We’re all ears.


What else would fit her? Tell us below!


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