Harry Roque Could Hire
As An Aide
By Tim Henares
Recently, the newly-minted incoming Presidential Spokesperson Harry Roque immediately went on a soundbite-worthy barrage, among other things, declaring that he will hire a millennial aide who will be good-looking so that women would fall in love with him.
While he hasn’t specified exactly who he was talking about, Harry Roque hinted that he is talking about a law student he knows, and as rapt as we are with interest in finding out who he is, we realized it’s not too late just yet to pitch a few people to Mr. Roque as probably even better options than whoever this guy would be.
Here are just 8 people we think who could fit the bill…
8. Maia Villapane
Who She Is: An ardent supporter of the president who went viral on Facebook for defending him. Unlike most other DDS people you can think of, she clearly does this out of passion, and not to gain any sort of favor or fortune from the current administration. That’s admirable, regardless of your political allegiance.
Good-Looking? Arguably, yes. She’s obviously not the “he” Harry Roque had in mind, but she still fits the bill of being moderately attractive.
Smooth-Talking? Hell, yes. She’s eloquent, can switch between diplomatic and scathing on a dime, and has a way with words that just catches the imagination of anyone who hears her – and shocks most of her former friends, but that’s neither here nor there.
Recommendation: Hire Maia if you want to have a feisty supporter who also hails from the south, and can easily argue her way out of anything.
Who He Is: That guy who became famous for “Kita Kita” then immediately squandered it by starring in “The Barker.” At 36 years old, he still counts as a millennial, believe it or not.
Good-Looking? Funny is the new sexy. Get with it.
Smooth-Talking? Not on purpose, but he sure is a hit with the ladies lately.
Recommendation: Hire Empoy. We don’t really need to justify this.
6. Coco Martin
Who He Is: Probably the most popular leading man in the country right now. A hit with centenarians.
Good-Looking? Are you seriously asking this?
Smooth-Talking? Well, he’s yami. There’s that.
Recommendation: Hire Coco Martin if you want someone everyone is already in love with, but is completely accessible both to the masses and to the upper economic strata. Just make sure his scripts aren’t full of certain letters.
5. Xander Ford
Who He Is: The artist formerly known as Marlou Arizala, currently dealing with bashers more than finding gainful employment.
Good-Looking? Your mileage may vary.
Smooth-Talking? If his attempt at weaseling his way out of owning up to his diss video of Kathryn Bernardo is any indication, hell no.
Recommendation: Under normal circumstances, we wouldn’t ever recommend Xander Ford to speak for anything, but this is also the administration who thinks Mocha Uson makes a great ASec and believes Martin Delgra III is doing a good job of running the LTFRB, so… #thebestandthebrightest
4. Atom Araullo
Who He Is: Probably the most inappropriate person to go “sapiosexual” over. Former ABS-CBN newscaster, currently GMA-7 documentary host.
Good-Looking? No question.
Smooth-Talking? Sure thing.
Recommendation: You wanted women to “fall in love” with your aide, right, Mr. Roque? Have we got the guy for you.
3. Leloy Claudio
Who He Is: Author of the book “Basagan Ng Trip,” well-known lawyer, debater, columnist, and owner of a million dollar smile that makes even some straight men swoon.
Recommendation: If they wanted someone who could easily be recognized as an objective voice within the administration who is willing to look at both sides of every issue, Leloy Claudio really should be their pick. Even Attorney Florin Hilbay vouches for him!
2. Carlos Agassi
Who He Is: Behold.
Good-Looking? Hard to argue against that. Let’s put it at a definite “yes.”
Smooth-Talking? Does this look like someone who needs to smooth-talk anyone?
This spokesman lets his abs do the speaking. Among other body parts.
Recommendation: If you need a spokesman who can operate exclusively via Instagram, look no further.
1. Franco Mabanta
Who He Is: Ardent Duterte supporter, host, and wannabe comedian. Known as Jasper in TV commercials, and kinda infamous in Boracay.
Good-Looking? He seems to approve.
Recommendation: If you want someone who can both bully someone and then represent an anti-bullying cause in the same breath, look no further than Franco Mabanta.
Who’s your pick? Tell us about it below!