8List Pro-tips for
Pooping in Public Toilets
By 8List

The public restroom is one of the few places in the world where strangers from all walks of life come within inches of each other, united in one of the most basic and intimate of human functions: relieving themselves. It’s the best symbol of unity and sympathy; everyone who goes there can look at each other in the eye and say, “I know why you’re here and I’m also here to do the same thing. We are all ONE.”

But sometimes when bad luck is on our side, this international symbol of oneness becomes less than the ideal place to do the deed. But not to worry, here are a couple of hacks to make your experience a success.

Choose the perfect time…

If you want less eyes, noses and ears to witness your deed, then keep in mind that the best time to relieve yourself is around 10 am to 11:30 am, when people have yet to digest their respective breakfasts.

…at the perfect place

Another useful tip (aside from knowing when to have a crap attack) is knowing where to do it. As an intimate and vulnerable experience for you, the deed should be done somewhere private with as little intervention from the outside world as possible. For example, you can go to another floor where no one knows you and where you came from. It’s the perfect environment for your doo-doo time.

Safety flush

Contrary to poopular belief, the first thing you should do once entering a cubicle isn’t pulling off your pants, but to check if the flush is working. Trust me, you’ll be doing yourself and everyone around you a favor. Can you even imagine your conscience shitting itself as you step out of that cubicle knowing you’ve left your burrito last night to marinate in the toilet water? And god forbid there’s someone waiting in line outside! If you do fail to check if it’s working, just wait for the restroom to clear out and get the hell out of there. Run, and run fast!

Develop ninja ears

If you’re already doing the deed but are too afraid for a stranger to smell your glory and catch a glimpse of your shoes for future reference, make sure your senses are ready for any signs of human activity outside your cubicle. It’s also a good way to hone your shit-control and clenching skills. Are those footsteps? Clench! The guy’s washing his hands? Clench longer! You feel a little something slipping out? CLENCH HARDER!

But when you’ve clenched until you can’t clench no more, you can always just let it go and cough your way through it to cover whatever sound you’ll make. Other silencer tips: flush the toilet to time with your explosions or play some loud music on your phone. Or, you know, you could just not care at all. That works, too.

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