Decoding the Dude: What Men Say
and What They Really Mean

by Kevin Christian L. Santos

As human beings, there are a lot of things we can agree on: pizza is awesome and anyone else who disagrees is a liar, professional wrestling is a ridiculously fun spectacle, beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.

However, there are also a lot of things we disagree on. Look at the comments section of any website that talks about politics, food, religion or whatever. Most of it escalate to name calling and death threats. Why? Because one, a lot of people are brainless, inconsiderate a-holes. And two, people don’t understand each other or choose not to understand.

What do people really mean? We’ve heard those stereotypes of women not saying what they really mean, but what about the guys? There’s a lot of jokes going around how some women can be complicated creatures and it’s hard to know what they really want. Guys? Stereotypes of being misogynistic lying meatheads aside, some men might be a little bit easier to understand. Emphasis on A LITTLE. Dudes might be painted as more straightforward when they speak, but that doesn’t they don’t ALWAYS say what they mean either.

Though these don’t qualify for ALL men out there, here are just some of the most common things men say and what they might mean.

8. “I’m hungry.”

What they really mean: “I’m hungry.”

7. “How do you know [insert name of guy here]?”

What they really mean: “Who is that dude? Do you have feelings for that douchepickle? Did you two have sex? I’m asking because I’m not at all threatened, insecure, or jealous.

6. “Look. I’m sorry okay?”

What they really mean: “Look. We’ve been arguing for hours. I don’t even know what really happened anymore. Let’s not think about who did what and which person’s wrong. It’s not a competition. Besides, it’s most likely you’re right. You’re always right. Can we make out now?”

Side note: Another variation of this is “Can we talk about this later?” which really means “I don’t want to talk about this ever again, and will do everything in my power to postpone this until you forget.”

5. “I’m just going to go out with the guys.”

What they really mean: “I am planning to endorse a lot of alcohol into my mouth and get blackout drunk and partake in some madness and mayhem, some of which may be illegal.”

4. “That dress looks really good on you.”

What they really mean: “To be perfectly honest, you looked fine in the dress before that. And the outfit before that. AND the outfit before that. You will look amazing regardless of what you wear. If you try a few more outfits and if I end up waiting an eternity longer, I am going to snap. But I don’t want to do that since we’ll end up fighting and we’ll end up being stuck here. Now for the love of God, you look great. Now can we please go?”

3. “Nah, you don’t look fat.”

What they really mean: “No seriously, you look fine. You’re not fat at all. Even if you were, I will never say that because I actually value my own life and peace and harmony.”

2. “I don’t watch a lot of porn at all.”

What they really mean: “If you value your sanity, do not go through my browser history. There are things that you will never, ever be able to unsee. For all that is holy, don’t even try.”

1. “I kinda like you.”

What they really mean: “I REALLY like you. I wouldn’t mind waking up next to you and making breakfast for you. I wouldn’t mind missing out on a few guys nights out just to chill with you. Just a FEW nights out.”

How about you? Care to share some guy-isms? Don’t talk about this later and let us know in the comments section!