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8 Marvel Characters You’ll Probably Never See in a Movie

No script can ever be clever enough to save these.

| November 28, 2016

8 Marvel Characters You’ll Probably Never See in a Movie

By Mikhail Lecaros

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Over 8-and-a-half years, 14 films, and various TV shows, the Marvel Cinematic Universe has brought to life characters and situations comic book fans never thought they would ever live to see in live action. But while big ticket names like Wolverine and Spider-Man or former B-listers like Star Lord and Luke Cage enthrall audiences on screens big and small, there remain a considerable number that we will most likely never see.

Of course, these days, it’s hard to call out just who would be a bad fit for the MCU, seeing as the filmmakers have proven adept at sidestepping some characters’ conceptual ridiculousness by playing coy (as in the case of Stilt-Man in Netflix’s Daredevil), or playing their entire adventure as farce (Howard the Duck in Guardians of the Galaxy). Heck, they even found ways to pull off racial caricatures via badass casting (Batroc in Captain America: Winter Soldier) via badass casting (in that case, MMA fighter Georges St-Pierre), so we didn’t bother including anyone with stereotypically cartoonish accents.

We’re also avoiding those saddled on unfortunate comic book readers by licensing deals (NFL Pro), blatant attempts to jump on pop culture trends (Dazzler, Ulysses. S. Archer), or real life figures who inexplicably guest-starred in Marvel Comics (Eminem, Barack Obama, Tim Gunn) or just straight up got their own titles (Billy Ray Cyrus).

Finally, we’ll be avoiding fan favorites like Marrow, Maggot, and Skin, going instead for the sorts of characters that no one in their right mind would include—the ones it’s difficult to find any sort of justification for in any context or medium. But then,  Marvel found a way to make a talking gun-toting raccoon in space work, so we extend our sincerest apologies in advance if any of these actually end up in the cinema at some point.

At any rate, don’t say we didn’t warn ya!

HINDSIGHT LAD/HINDSIGHT

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Via Quora

With a name like Hindsight Lad, one could be forgiven for thinking this guy was a member of DC’s Legion of Super-Heroes (which has distinguished members such as Matter-Eater Lad and Color Kid), but this one’s all Marvel! Debuting in the pages of New Warriors, Hindsight Lad’s first costume included a cape and a football helmet with the side mirrors from a car attached to it. Having no powers, he initially tries to blackmail his way onto the team until an actual emergency convinces leader Night Thrasher to add him to their roster. Later on, the now-renamed “Hindsight” would continue his streak of endearing himself to precisely nobody by forging Avengers requisition forms to get himself a new costume.

 

X-TREME

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From his name to his outfit, X-Treme looks like someone took every excessive (X-cessive?) ‘90s comic book cliché they could find and applied them to this one guy (either that or someone was taking the piss out of Rob Liefeld). Gratuitous spikes all over his outfit (including his belt!)? Check. Obnoxious knee- and shoulder-pads? Double check. Backwards baseball cap? Check, check, and check. Don’t get us started on his mane of blond hair. The mind reels at what a director would do if they ever tried to update him.

 

BLUE STREAK

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A former-SHIELD-Agent-turned-armored-Captain-America-villain? Great! Wait, his armor’s distinguishing feature is built-in roller skates that enable him to…skate at high speeds? Ah. Recent updates have seen Blue Streak’s skates replaced with roller blades? Oh. Well. Let’s move on.

 

BIG BERTHA

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To be perfectly honest, this list could have been populated exclusively by members of the Great Lakes Avengers, whose  ranks include the likes of Flatman (who can turn himself two dimensional), and Leather Boy (a fetishist who mistook a call for heroes as a call for an S&M group). However, when all is said and done, it’s Big Bertha that makes the cut for her power to adjust the size, strength, and density of her body by becoming extraordinarily obese. Oh, and lest you assume this is a body positive sort of thing, she can shrink herself down to typical supermodel proportions…by vomiting out the excess mass. Lack of political correctness notwithstanding, we’ll hazard a guess and assume “Bulimia Babe” wasn’t already taken.