8 Marvel Characters You’ll Probably Never See in a Movie
By Mikhail Lecaros
Over 8-and-a-half years, 14 films, and various TV shows, the Marvel Cinematic Universe has brought to life characters and situations comic book fans never thought they would ever live to see in live action. But while big ticket names like Wolverine and Spider-Man or former B-listers like Star Lord and Luke Cage enthrall audiences on screens big and small, there remain a considerable number that we will most likely never see.
Of course, these days, it’s hard to call out just who would be a bad fit for the MCU, seeing as the filmmakers have proven adept at sidestepping some characters’ conceptual ridiculousness by playing coy (as in the case of Stilt-Man in Netflix’s Daredevil), or playing their entire adventure as farce (Howard the Duck in Guardians of the Galaxy). Heck, they even found ways to pull off racial caricatures via badass casting (Batroc in Captain America: Winter Soldier) via badass casting (in that case, MMA fighter Georges St-Pierre), so we didn’t bother including anyone with stereotypically cartoonish accents.
We’re also avoiding those saddled on unfortunate comic book readers by licensing deals (NFL Pro), blatant attempts to jump on pop culture trends (Dazzler, Ulysses. S. Archer), or real life figures who inexplicably guest-starred in Marvel Comics (Eminem, Barack Obama, Tim Gunn) or just straight up got their own titles (Billy Ray Cyrus).
Finally, we’ll be avoiding fan favorites like Marrow, Maggot, and Skin, going instead for the sorts of characters that no one in their right mind would include—the ones it’s difficult to find any sort of justification for in any context or medium. But then, Marvel found a way to make a talking gun-toting raccoon in space work, so we extend our sincerest apologies in advance if any of these actually end up in the cinema at some point.
At any rate, don’t say we didn’t warn ya!
With a name like Hindsight Lad, one could be forgiven for thinking this guy was a member of DC’s Legion of Super-Heroes (which has distinguished members such as Matter-Eater Lad and Color Kid), but this one’s all Marvel! Debuting in the pages of New Warriors, Hindsight Lad’s first costume included a cape and a football helmet with the side mirrors from a car attached to it. Having no powers, he initially tries to blackmail his way onto the team until an actual emergency convinces leader Night Thrasher to add him to their roster. Later on, the now-renamed “Hindsight” would continue his streak of endearing himself to precisely nobody by forging Avengers requisition forms to get himself a new costume.
From his name to his outfit, X-Treme looks like someone took every excessive (X-cessive?) ‘90s comic book cliché they could find and applied them to this one guy (either that or someone was taking the piss out of Rob Liefeld). Gratuitous spikes all over his outfit (including his belt!)? Check. Obnoxious knee- and shoulder-pads? Double check. Backwards baseball cap? Check, check, and check. Don’t get us started on his mane of blond hair. The mind reels at what a director would do if they ever tried to update him.
A former-SHIELD-Agent-turned-armored-Captain-America-villain? Great! Wait, his armor’s distinguishing feature is built-in roller skates that enable him to…skate at high speeds? Ah. Recent updates have seen Blue Streak’s skates replaced with roller blades? Oh. Well. Let’s move on.
To be perfectly honest, this list could have been populated exclusively by members of the Great Lakes Avengers, whose ranks include the likes of Flatman (who can turn himself two dimensional), and Leather Boy (a fetishist who mistook a call for heroes as a call for an S&M group). However, when all is said and done, it’s Big Bertha that makes the cut for her power to adjust the size, strength, and density of her body by becoming extraordinarily obese. Oh, and lest you assume this is a body positive sort of thing, she can shrink herself down to typical supermodel proportions…by vomiting out the excess mass. Lack of political correctness notwithstanding, we’ll hazard a guess and assume “Bulimia Babe” wasn’t already taken.
Well, yes, he was a member of the New Mutants, and lived for a time at Xavier’s School for Gifted Children, but JUST. LOOK. AT. HIM.
Seeing as Gin Genie’s ability to generate seismic waves is directly proportionate to the amount of alcohol she has in her system, she would either be the most entertaining or the most terrifying person at a Friday night drinking session. Of course, it didn’t help that this character was written as an abusive alcoholic. But seriously, a character whose powers only kick in when she’s getting plastered? Clearly, someone had issues.
Even if we accept the fact that Dracula is an actual character in the Marvel Universe (he is!), we’d still need a whole heck of a lot of convincing to buy that the Lord of Darkness would, in a fit of hunger, feed on a cow named Bessie, resulting in her rising from the grave three days later as the undead bovine Hellcow. Wait, this character’s officially listed as being 300 years old, her milk may or may not grant immortality, and she has a cape that enables her to fly?!
We…need to lie down to process this.
Look, we like puns as much as the next guy, but when your character’s mutant power is listed in the official Marvel Comics Wiki as “Mutant ability to transform himself into any flavor of ice cream, including banana-split”, there’s really nothing more that needs to be said. On the other hand, if they ever put this guy in a movie, the studio would have a field day partnering up with Selecta or Baskin-Robbins. Then again, we can see how a film asking people to get a mouthful of bad guy would be difficult to market.
What other Marvel characters do you think we won’t see on the big screen? Tell us about them below!