Admittedly, in the finicky world of international diplomatic relations, speaking softly while carrying a big stick is all we could really do in the face of a 1-billion strong adversary. We don’t want any trouble, but we kinda owned both Benham Rise and the Panatag Shoal fair and square.

Look, guys. It’s not called Yang Chow Rise, okay?

That being said, we don’t want to give the Chinese government the wrong impression and make them think we Filipinos are a selfish lot. Of course not! On the contrary, we would totally happily share a lot of indisputably Filipino things with the Chinese, and even have them own it for themselves! We’re talking about stuff like…

The Tarsier

Don’t give me that look!

For an endangered species, we kinda got the short end of the stick.

China would happily take it upon themselves to nurse this endangered species out of the endangered list, much as they did with the panda. Speaking of which, maybe you can throw a few pandas our way, China, pretty please?

Quezon City

It’s the city that stopped trying, and has decided to elect a guy like Winnie Castelo to congress repeatedly, and has been unremarkable in every single way except by its sheer land size compared to its level of productivity. You might call Quezon City the New Jersey of the Philippines, and if by that you mean it’s the secret shame of Metro Manila (as opposed to our not-so-secret shame of Manila itself), then you would absolutely be correct. Let’s face it: if you take away Ateneo and UP, would you really care much about Quezon City at all? Yeah, didn’t think so.

Feel free to collect anytime, China. Just stay away from everything else.

 Jeje Rap

No explanations needed, China. Just go ahead and take the entire genre with you.

We insist.

Our rice

Now don’t go hog wild and take all of our rice, but China, feel free to have some of ours. That way, you won’t have to do something insane, like make rice out of plastic just so you could feed and poison your populace all at the same time.

Fastfood chains that serve “Chinese” “food.”

We won’t name names, but China, you’re free to have this one. We like our Ma Mon Luk’s and Hap Chans just fine.

Mocha Uson

You know what you really need, China? You need an ambassador to your internet: someone capable of navigating the great Firewall of China and becoming a beacon of truthiness in the middle of the darkness. That person is none other than our favorite paragon of integrity, Mocha Uson! Take her!

Just don’t confuse her with Vanilla Uson, pictured here.

Carlos Celdran

We won’t be partisan about this, dearest China. Take him, too. Just go.

The concept of “utang na loob.”

We don’t really know how we could surrender an entire abstract concept to China, but the sooner we do, the better. If not for anything, this idea of “utang na loob” is precisely why we’re letting them walk all over us and instead of riding jetskis and planting our flag on places we actually are internationally recognized to have sovereignty over.

But I guess that’s just wishful thinking at this point.

What would you be willing to give for free to China? Tell us about them below!