8 Things Better
About the Original Universe,
Because We’re Living
in the Darkest Timeline
By Matthew Arcilla
Towards the end of the 20th century, we were told that the new millennium would bring about chaos, destruction and certain calamity. According to the history books, that did not happen. Despite all the exhortations to make our computers Y2K ready, despite all the prophecies of rapture and/or armageddon, human civilization marched forward with little to no incident.
But what if I told you that reality has fractured? That cosmic particles have collided and all of us left behind the original universe? That we are living the darkest timeline? Don’t believe me? Well here are all the better things happening over there that are not happening over here.
8. In original universe, characters of color are played by actual people of color
Blackface, yellowface, brownface. It’s the 21st century and Hollywood has been letting white people play Asians, blacks and Latinos for too long. But in the original universe, people of color are playing the parts that are meant for them and helping to author their place in popular culture. There, the The Last Airbender movie became the all-Asian sensation that won all the awards.
7. In original universe, your favorite TV shows have six seasons and a movie.
Cancelled, cancelled, cancelled. In this millennium, seeing television shows get chopped off the block too soon has become a familiar occurrence. But in the original universe, beloved TV shows see their storylines run their natural course and go on to get a feature film. Also, in that universe Two and a Half Men ran for two seasons instead of twelve.
6. In original universe, the Metro Manila Film Festival is not a joke.
Once upon a time, the Metro Manila Film Festival was a celebration of artistic accomplishment, or at the very least, social realist importance. But in this darkest timeline, it’s synonymous with pandering and stupidity. We saw a glimpse of what could be when space and time fritzed out last year and briefly gave us films like Seklusyon and Sunday Beauty Queen. That is until the Reality Police stepped in.
5. In original universe, all your favorite star couples are still together.
Surely there is at least one celebrity couple you believed in that is no longer together. For some it was the wholesome likability of Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner. For others it was the comedic cuteness of Anna Faris and Chris Pratt. For some it was the blinding star power of Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt. But here in the darkest timeline, they are couple no more.
4. In original universe, all your favorite celebrities are still alive.
Everyone remembers 2016. It was the year several pop and rock stars died, and since then it’s been an endless list of icons and legends just marching into the grave. In the original universe, they shone on forever, but instead in this darkest timeline, they go gently into the night. Our only solace is that they have become the stars that shine in the sky.
3. In original universe, all the pop culture movies are good.
Geeks, nerds and dorks everywhere tear their hair out over crappy DC movies, disappointing remakes and boring video game adaptations. But in the original universe, Hollywood executives actually understand what makes comic books, cartoons and video games great. Unfortunately, in this darkest timeline, cynicism has ground our nerd movie hopes into the dust.
2. In original universe, our showbiz companies live in harmony.
It’s the twenty first century, yet Filipino showbiz companies still act like it’s the 1940s where rivalries run deep, talents are contractually bound to one network and the fans are encouraged to maintain cultish loyalty. But on the other side of the reality fracture, there is a universe where the stars move freely and our hearts and families are all together.
1. In original universe, there is no fake news, only news
Fake news, satire news, biased news. With multiple 24 hour cable news networks, tens of thousands of websites devoted to news and of course, social media, it’s become impossible to determine what’s real and what’s not, what’s biased and what’s not. But in that other universe, people don’t just share what they agree with, everyone understands satire and your crazy friends check their facts.
Which universe do you prefer? Do tell us below!