The 8 Stages of Porn Videos

By Tim Henares

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Avenue Q said it best: the internet is indeed for porn, but porn comes in all shapes and sizes (if you know what I mean). From the most vanilla of vanilla to the things that should put you on watchlists somewhere, here are the typical 8 steps into one’s forays into becoming a true-blue pornoisseur.

Not included in this discussion: magazines. Just so you know.

Ero-Anime

Also known as Hentai, most of us started out with this, mainly because it was the easiest to disguise from our parents. From La Blue Girl to Cool Devices, we got a smattering of the most bizarre types of porn we could get our hands on, all “sanitized” by the fact that they’re not real people.

 

Softcore

This is the first stage for people who are still squeamish about seeing naughty bits connecting with other naughty bits. Softcore porn, amazingly, is normally shot at the same time as hardcore porn, just from different angles so as to conceal what needs to be concealed. When even that isn’t enough, people naturally graduate to…

 

Hardcore

Ah, yes. Vanilla hardcore porn is ever so popular, normally with qualifiers such as race and number of participants. From Tarzan X to Pirates, we’re talking about the true classics of the industry right here. Once we decide to “refine” our tastes further, we move on to…

 

Parodies

In response to people who insist that porn is merely PWP (Plot? What plot?), Porn Parodies, such as Axel Braun’s Batman XXX, are labors of love that prove these guys know how to make hilarious parodies of their source material. For when we want our porn to mean something more than just mindless boning. Once we’re done with this pretentiousness, we then evolve to…

Reality

Reality porn, or even Gonzo porn at its more extreme, are about contrived situations where porn supposedly happens, such as the infamous black couch, the Bang Bus, Fake Taxi, and so forth. These are normally hardcore porn bits set in “real-life” settings, without the cheesy bow-chicka-wow-wow music. It gets old pretty quickly, and by then, you tire of vanilla. This is when you descend to…

 

BDSM

And no, we don’t mean 50 Shades. We mean the actual BDSM with all the usual stuff that goes with it. While this might seem like a small niche, it might surprise you to find out that a significant amount of the population is either into or at least mildly curious about BDSM, and this genre plays right into that market. Amusingly enough, even that isn’t enough for some people, who move on to…

 

Fetishes

From feet fetish to furry fetish, fetish porn sometimes strays away from the blatantly sexual to the sexualizing. What this means is that while there are no sex acts being depicted per se, some fetish videos simply do the job for people who have that specific fetish. Weird? Sure. But let your freak flag fly, because there’s nothing wrong with it! Unless you go down the rabbit hole right straight to…

 

The Unspeakables

2 Girls 1 Cup. Kids In The Sandbox. These kinds of porn are right into the realm of the disturbing and really, really are bordering on plain disgusting. And we aren’t even covering anything illegal (Because we totally won’t.) at this point, and we’re not even sure a site like Pornhub would host the Unspeakables on their servers, for that matter.

In a time where our government insists on clamping down on sites like Pornhub because they want to fight child porn, isn’t it surprising to realize that Pornhub has been doing a far better job at doing just that than our government ever has?

 

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