This Week in Weird News:
Ever Had Sex With An Alien?
By Kevin Christian L. Santos
Sometimes we just wish we can just leave this planet and travel to a magical place where we can just grow moustaches and ride unicorns and nothing ever hurt. But again, we live in the real world and nothing is fair and we can’t have nice things.
But what we can do instead is take our mind off pressing matters and expand our consciousness by taking a look at the weird conjurings happening this week. Starting with…
Millennials are risking death by eating Tide Pods because they’re fucking stupid
Now there’s a new challenge on the interwebz, and it’s deadly. But seriously, who the fuck comes up with this shit? Were they dropped on the head as an infant?
The “Tide Pod Challenge” is basically asking people to put the said laundry detergent in their mouth and bite it, and invite others to do the same for the lols and likes. A video from IG user @5thyear generated more than 600,000 views.
Dr. Alfred Aleguas Jr. of the Florida Poison Information Center said ingesting the pods may lead to vomiting and diarrhea, and more severe cases may be life-threatening.
It’s 2018 and we actually have to tell people to stop eating detergent. Words fail us. Take it away, Robert Frank.
Here’s a photo from the year 6000 from an alleged time traveller
ApexTV, describing themselves as “one of the biggest voices of paranormal on YouTube,” recently posted a video of a time traveler claiming to be from the year 6000. To prove it, he even showed a photo he took from the said year.
The man claims that cancer has been cured in the future and that we’re ruled by artificial intelligence. He doesn’t lack in self-awareness and says, of course, we’re not gonna believe him. To support his claim, he showed the photo from the future. A very, very blurry photo at that.
To explain the distortion, the unnamed man says “In the time travel process pictures tend to get distorted, as well as many other things.”
That said, don’t do drugs and stay in school. And don’t eat detergent.
This man hasn’t jerked off in more than 400 days, might be a wizard
Fapping has its benefits. It can boost your mood and prevent cancer among others. Though some morally-upright groups condemn your so-called me-time, there are now some groups promoting the benefits of not masturbating at all. And they’re not connected to any religious group either.
Luke Eilers is a member of one such group, holding off from masturbating for more than 400 days and counting. He joined the “No Fap Movement” after he realized he was addicted to porn, and would immediately feel shame after climaxing. Don’t we all, though? He also said he suffered from a lack of motivation and focus due to his addiction.
Speaking to YouTuber Andrew Hailes, Luke said “The way I would describe it is I kind of just feel like 10 percent better in loads of areas like motivation, confidence, energy, mental clarity. Lots of people talk about superpowers and it completely changes their life; every once in a while, I would get spurts of that.”
No news yet if he’s used his mind’s untapped areas and has telekinetic powers.
Here’s the worst possible way to die
Senior scientist at San Francisco’s Exploratorium museum Paul Doherty and writer Cody Cassidy took two years to compile a list of the worst ways to die. They shared their findings in a Reddit AMA. One of the worst ways to die was drowning in the Mariana Trench.
The duo said, “So, if you sank to the bottom of the Mariana trench you would drown before you reached a crushing depth. If you’re interested in a more interesting demise, you should swim out of James Cameron’s submersible at the bottom. Fortunately, you’re mostly water, and water is incompressible. So you would retain your basic human shape. The air pockets inside you, namely in your nasal cavity, throat, and chest, would be a problem. Those would collapse inward, which would fatal.
Because you wouldn’t have any air, you wouldn’t float to the surface and you would likely stay at the bottom to be consumed by the Bone-eating snot flower, which usually eats whale bones but would probably make an exception in this case.”
This is a Bone-eating snot flower:
There’s more cool stuff in the AMA, such as what will happen if you die in a falling elevator, jumping through a hole in the earth and more. Check it out!
Artist loses virginity to aliens, now paints his experience
72-year old artist David Huggins claims he lost his virginity at 17 to an alien hybrid named “Crescent.” He even says they’ve made over 50 alien hybrid babies together, which is 50 too many.
He claims he saw Crescent as he was walking through a forest in Georgia. He said she had a normal human appearance save for her head. It was long with big black eyes and she was wearing a wig. They both disrobed and he lost his virginity.
Speaking of his babies, he told his story to Animal New York, saying “I was taken into a room and it was filled with babies and I had to touch every one. The human touch was really important. The first time I touched one of the babies static electricity jumped from my hand to the baby. This was right before I touched it and I pulled back and said to the Insect-being “Wow, did you see that?” So I reached over and touched the baby. I woke up the next morning spent, totally exhausted and slept all day. But that night the Insect-like Being takes me to this door; we are in front of this doorway and there is this brilliant light. It was like it was pushing its way out of the doorway — it had form. The Insect-Like Being said I had to go inside the room with the light, so I go inside and it was just incredible. The light was passing right through me. I was in there for a few minutes. The next morning when I woke up I had incredible energy and felt really energized for weeks afterwards.”
He has been painting his unusual experience ever since.
Australia’s heat wave is so bad that it’s been frying the brains of bats
It’s summertime in Australia now, and the heat has been so bad that the brains of bats are getting fried.
Hundreds of flying fox bats died over the weekend as temperatures soared to a whopping 47.22 degrees. To make you feel even worse, 204 bats, mostly babies had their brains boiled due to the heat wave.
Australia’s flying fox bats are vulnerable to heat and have trouble regulating their body temperature.
These bats contribute to Australia’s ecosystem. They help in regenerating the country’s forests by pollinating and distributing plant seeds.
Nature is such an unforgiving bitch.
Man tries to prevent sneeze, ruptures throat
Sneezing can be annoying, especially if you’ve already received two “bless yous” from your colleagues. A third one just means you need to get your shit together. As annoying it may be, there’s no point stopping it. You might even make things worse if you try to stifle your sneeze.
NPR reports that a “previously fit and well” man tried to stop his sneeze by “pinching the nose and holding his mouth closed.” And that’s when things got worse.
The man said it hurt when he swallowed and observed that his voice had changed. His neck got swollen and would produce a crackling sensation when moved.
Doctors from Britain’s Leicester Royal Infirmary noticed small pockets of air embedded in his neck or conditions known as subcutaneous emphysema and pneumomediastinum. In layman’s terms, the man ruptured his neck. When we sneeze, we let out air. In the man’s case, the air that was supposed to be released made its way to his neck instead.
How powerful is our sneeze? We can blow out air by as much as 40mph. The moral here? Doctors say “Halting sneeze via blocking nostrils and mouth is a dangerous maneuver and should be avoided.”
That’s good advice, doc.
13 siblings, some shackled to beds and malnourished, were held captive by their parents
In pathetic excuses for human beings news, couple David Turpin and Louise Turpin were arrested and booked on torture and child endangerment charges after police discovered they kept their 13 children captive.
Their 17-year-old daughter escaped through a window and alerted authorities. She found a phone in the house to call the police and told them that she and her siblings were being held captive in their California home.
When officers arrived, they found the girl’s siblings, whose ages range from 2-29, living in “horrific” conditions. Some were found chained to beds in the “foul-smelling” house and with no decent access to food and water. The officers added that the siblings looked malnourished and were surprised that seven were actually adults. Police say the 17-year old looked like she was 10 and looked “slightly emaciated.”
According to the sheriff’s department, David and Lousie Turpin could not provide an explanation why the children were being held against their will.
The couple is currently being held with a bond of $9 million, or PHP 457,011,000.
What’s your weird list? Share them with us below!