[dropcap letter=”W”]e’ve all heard the story by now: sometime during the tail end of the Papal visit, Marlene Aguilar went on a bizarre tirade on him (accusing him a child rapist, among other things), as she is wont to do, and it turned viral. Mystica took umbrage to the She Dragon’s allegations, and promptly called Marlene’s bluff by accepting Marlene’s challenge to a fight, even raising the stakes by making it a street fight to the death.

Then, Marlene Aguilar set the terms of the challenge. Or not. Who knows with these two, really?

Still, the whole thing boggles the mind. Think about it for a moment: it’s a street fight, not just for Pope Francis – for God! Forget Wrestlemania or the UFC or even Mayweather vs. Pacquiao: this is the fight that needs to happen.

As much as you are excited to see this fight as I am, though, I will have to spoil the ending for you right now if it ever does happen: Mystica will win. I know this better than anyone. Why I am admitting this right now, I will never understand.

Nonetheless, here are 8 reasons why the only logical conclusion of this fight is seeing the Split Queen’s arm raised in victory.

If this fight happens, proceeds from the fight will go to constructing the Mystica Temple for Christ, which is a totally legitimate thing. It even has its own website and everything.

Meanwhile, what is Marlene really fighting for? To pretend that saying whatever she thinks is some kind of praiseworthy virtue, when any Tom, Dick, and Harry can do just that? Meh.

When one’s (literal) blood money is meant to create something far bigger than themselves, you know they are motivated beyond your wildest dreams. In fact, given how Mystica has urged us to pray the Sinner’s Prayer in the past, I’m not even sure if she’s a Catholic, to begin with.

Yet here she is, defending the honor of the Pope and Catholics alike.

Despite agreeing to do the fight, Marlene Aguilar has suddenly kept mum against Mystica and hasn’t worked out any further details to this epic bout. While there is no confirmation that this indicates that the She-Dragon is terrified of Mystica “the Dragonslayer” Cassidy, we are duty-bound to assume  that this is the case.

Marlene is ducking Mystica for exactly the same reason Floyd is ducking Manny: a distinct shortage of balls.

You don’t even need to see his face.

That’s right. Jean Claude Van Damme himself. With that kind of precedent backing Mystica up, why would you even think for a moment Marlene has a chance?

Unlike Marlene Aguilar, Mystica is so confident in herself that she willingly bets $2 BILLION DOLLARS on herself to win.

If you don’t believe that she has $2B just lying around, then you haven’t seen Mystica’s Ultimate Secrets to Success yet.

A whirling dervish of pain and death!

Mystica’s 7-hour film “Querido” has shown how well she can fight, and this gives us all the confidence in the world that she can lay some serious smackdown on Marlene before turning her attentions to the nearest hot guy in the battlefield and lay the smackdown on that dude some other way.

Hiding, of course.

I rest my case.

Who do you think will win? Place your bets in the comments section below!