Headlines We Wish
By Mike Diez
Who would have thought that there’d be a time when fake headlines from satire sites would give us more comfort than real ones from reputable news sources? Yet here we are, wallowing in the comfort of make-believe banners.
Following are some headlines we could only wish were true.
Senate Building, Venue For Pacman’s Comeback Bout
Senator Manny Pacquiao could catch up on actual legislative work in between sparring sessions, just so we could see our taxes go to work. Besides, the Senate (and Congress) has seen a lot of squabbles in its halls lately. It would be nice to see an actual boxing ring over there.
Bato Swears To Find Dragonballs
Our PNP Chief would like to find these balls to finally end the drug problem in the country. But we have our own plans for these dragonballs, and how we wish that they really existed.
No More Crimes in The Philippines
Whatever world these diehard supporters of Tatay Digong are living in, we’d like to come visit it. Or at the very least have some of whatever it is they’re taking.
SC Extends FB Privacy Deadline
The latest chainmail that went around Facebook had seemingly sensible individuals reposting what was obviously a hoax. We’d like this headline to be true just to see who among our politicos and celebs would fall for it.
Malacanang Acquires Penis Shaped-Missile
The Philippine-Algeria Long-Range Intercontinental Ballistic Missile (PHALLICBM-DU30) is said to be the answer to all our nation’s problems. We never actually knew how misogynistic our society was until this last Presidential elections. Maybe we do need an actual PHALLICBM-DU30, but not for defensive purposes; but rather as a monument to remind everyone who the boss is in this nation.
Duterte Bans Spoilers On Social Media
Now this one, we can actually get behind. We wish this were true before the new season of Game of Thrones comes upon us next year.
Duterte Signs Ban On Homework
A lot of people fell for this one, and we can’t blame them. Who’s got time for homework anyway? Our time spent in school is almost equal to the time people spend on work. Ditto on traffic we have to endure getting there. So yes, we can get behind this one as well.
Duterte Orders Gundam From Japan
OMG. This would be awesome! With an actual Gundam, we would never need the assistance of China, Russia and/or the United States of America. Diplomatic crisis solved!
Have you seen any fake news headlines that you wish were true? Let us all fantasize about them below!