4. Creepy clown spotted in Wisconsin carrying black balloons, makes people want to wet themselves

People in Green Bay, Wisconsin are having trouble sleeping at night after multiple sightings of a clown lurking around streets and highways on late nights.

A Facebook Fan page has already been established for the unsettling-looking clown, who has been named Gags. Why the name? He’ll probably make you gag after he shoves his balloons and fist down your throat.

The clown has been spotted wearing a shabby, rugged outfit while carrying black balloons. One commenter said that this is the work of a director for a horror film.

Keep checking Gags’ page for future sightings, or maybe check under your bed or bathroom mirror.

3. Man orders strippers for own funeral and gyrate at his coffin because nothing is sacred anymore

Whether this man is “sick” or a “legend,” you decide. In China, a man known as Jian hired strippers for his own funeral, clad in bikinis and gyrating at his coffin to the tune of Maroon 5’s “Moves Like Jagger.” Said strippers danced sensually in front of the photo of the deceased, which was illuminated by colorful lights. It’s a funeral meets a strip club! Yeesh.

Funny enough, this practice is not rare in China. The trend of strippers strutting their stuff at funerals is an attempt to get more mourners to the events in question. It is believed that a large group at a funeral ensures the deceased’s success in the afterlife.

Do what you love and let it kill you, right? Or take whatever it is that you love to the grave with you. In this case, strippers.

2. Corpse Flower blooms all at once, may signal impending apocalypse

Corpse flowers are a flowering plant that only grow in certain parts of the world. They’re named as such since it smells like a dead body, and “smells-like-shit flower” and “rotting flesh flower” aren’t particularly sexy-sounding. Side note: it’s Latin name, Amorphophallus titanium, translates to “giant misshapen penis.” So there’s that.

The flower takes a decade to bloom to unleash that smell, so it’s odd that corpse flowers in the U.S. are blooming at the same time. Scientists aren’t sure why this is happening. And just to fill you in, the University of Wisconsin-Madison says only 157 flowers bloomed between 1889 and 2008.

So why are they blooming at the same time? No one knows. Could it be the impending sign of a Trump presidency? Another world war? The apocalypse? Who knows.

1. DC fans sign petition to shut down Rotten Tomatoes over bad Suicide Squad reviews because…their feelings are important

Suicide Squad just premiered, and so far, reviews aren’t looking too good. Some DC fans are outraged and directing their hatred towards film critics. One fan took it a step further by creating a petition on Change.org to shut down entertainment review aggregator site Rotten Tomatoes, where the film currently holds a rating of 35% out of 100%.

“We need this site to be shut down because It’s Critics always give The DC Extended Universe movies unjust Bad Reviews, Like

1- Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice 2016

2- Suicide Squad 2016 and that Affects people’s opinion even if it’s a really great movies,” the site stated. The man who started the petition, Abdullah Coldwater, further added, “A petition definitely won’t shut down the site. The aim of the petition is to deliver a message to the critics that there [are] a lot of people [who] disagree with their reviews. This is just a way to express our anger.”

The petition now has over 17,000 signatures as of this writing and the person who started it, Abdullah Coldwater, has now closed it down. “In fact i started this petition to gather DC fans to express our anger just for fun. I didn’t mean it to be taken that serious,” said Coldwater. “After thinking, I found this petition is pointless. And the only thing that it does is spreading a speech of hate and online fighting among the supporters and objectors,” he adds.

However, just to reiterate, Rotten Tomatoes merely AGGREGATES the critic reviews and the site doesn’t assign the scores itself. If DC fans still want to see the movie, go for it. If they enjoy it, then whoop-de-doo. If they don’t, then they don’t.

This just in: butthurt fanboys with nothing better to do with their lives petition to shut down aggregator website because they’re too sensitive to handle other people’s opinions.

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